Plan.

Hey Girlfriend!

Happy New Year :)

I wasn't planning on posting for a few weeks but figured I could use a bit of a chat.  I've had a tough week so thought I'd share.  Can't just share the successes and good-stuff, right?  That's not reality - at least not for me.  This is a journey and sure, Ill have "off days/weeks".  It's all about learning from them, dusting myself off and carrying on,.

I REALLY struggled with healthy choices the last few weeks.  I was stress/comfort eating.  I KNEW I was doing it.  I new it would hurt me mentally yet I continued to do it.  I won't go into all the fine details of it.  Suffice it to say that when you become a mom "they" tell you "it's all worth it" and "the good outweighs the bad".  They DON'T tell you how many times you will cry yourself to sleep with heartache.  The times you so desperately want to help your babies and take away THEIR heartache, stress, anxiety, pain … but you can't.  All you can do is be there for them, listen to them, hold them while they cry.  (Damn.  Now I'm welling up again!  Thought I was "better".  Ugh!)

Of course with Christmas treats all over the house it was hard to eat clean.  It was the worst about 2 weeks ago - butter tarts, baklava, cookies, fudge.  I binged a few days but have slowly managed to cut back more and more each day.

I've also struggled with the lack or routine.  Craig was off all last week.  The kids have been sleeping in VERY late - heck, most days we don't see Alicia until after 12:00 … a few times it has been closer to 1:00!  That throws SUCH a wrench into my day.  I don't walk the dog as early, I don't make noise - I just sit … and waste time … which sets the tone for the whole day.

I've done a lot of work mentally the last few days but it has been tough.  I honestly haven't liked what I see in the mirror.  I'm TRYING to be kind to myself and I'm not beating myself up or anything I just simply don't like what I see.  I'm not talking about the size of my thighs (although I did go shopping last week and really do need to step up the exercise gig!)  No, what I'm talking about is the whole package.  I see a middle aged woman.  I see my lines deepening, my skin getting duller,  my hair getting more grey.  I'm getting older.  That's not news to me.  The problem is that, until recently, I've never SEEN that I'm getting older.  I feel like I've been sneak-attacked and BAM - THERE she is!  THERE is the "older" me.  I'm REALLY struggling with it.  My reflection just doesn't match my self image in my head.  In my head I'm still so young!  I'm not even in my 30's mentally - I'm still in me TEENS!  I still think and act like a kid most of the time and every now and then I look up and am surprised to realize that I AM old enough to be a wife and mother.  It really is hard to wrap my head around the fact that I'M responsible for keeping two small humans ALIVE, let alone raising them to be decent human beings!  When did I get "old"??

This misalignment of what I feel vs what I see seems to have brought me down.  Add to that VERY little sleep lately (thank you change-of life … yet another affirmation that I'm not as young as I think I am!) and you have a recipe for emotional eating.

Now.  Enough of the pity party.  It is what it is.  Eating my body weight in chocolate macaroons s only going to ADD to the problem.  I know that.  Every day I start anew.  Every day I START the day motivated and planning to eat healthy.   EVERY day I have a protein shake.  Every day I do well … until about 11:24 *lol*.  With the family home I haven;t been able to resist sitting with them and eating at lunch time.  That's not bad … and generally speaking I have a healthy lunch … but it just seems to open to the door a wee crack to things sliding from there … and they did.  Come dinner I would over eat.  Again, it wasn't so much BAD food, just too much.  I would recognize that I was eating too much and that would bring me down .. and the door would open wider.  That would lead to evening binging. Popcorn, chips with dip, cookies.  Any and/or all of it.  I would go to bed sad and disappointed that I wasn't "stronger" and felt I had failed.  Again.

Geez - depressed yet?  *lol*.  I'm bringing MYSELF down this morning!  Man!

Now don't be messaging me telling me not to bet myself up.  I'm NOT beating myself up.  I'm just being raw and honest.  I accept myself the way I am I just don't LIKE it!  Does that make sense?

I'e been slowly clawing my way back to healthy choices, stumbling a BIT the last few days but getting better EVERY day.  Last night I went to bed and, for the first time in about 3 weeks, I felt good about my choices and my stomach felt light, not bloated and, when I was laying down, "in".  It felt great.  Im hoping to build on that GOOD feeling and have a stronger, healthier day today.  It will help that Craig is back at work.  I had to get up at 6:15 am as I'm watching my neighbours boy this week.  It's only for half an hour (7:00 - 7:30 am) but it was good in that it got me up, showered, dressed (in JEANS not Sweetlegs!) and ready to start my day.  I'm off to a great start already.

So!  The title of  my post is "plan".  As you may have seen on my Facebook page, I have a "word" every year.  One word.  That one word helps me focus my time, priorities and actions throughout the year.  Well, that's the idea, anyway.  Past years I have had "enjoy", "grow", "breathe".  This year I have changed it about 5 times already *lol*.  I started with "less".  Work LESS, stress LESS, eat LESS, procrastinate LESS.  I realized quite quickly, though, that LESS seemed like  dry negative word and it wasn't working for me.  I bounced around a few others - simplify, focus, relax, moderation.  I finally settled on one that is already working well for me.  PLAN.  I think last year I really floundered a lot.  I didn't have a clear focus of what I was doing or why.  I wasted a LOT of time.  I wandered from room to room but didn't rely DO anything.  My word was "breathe" and I was trying to be relaxed and "go with the flow" but now, in hindsight, it really didn't work for me.  PLAN is more of an action word for me - something I can sink my teeth into.  Something I can DO.

Yesterday I started to plan my meals for the week.  I didn't nail down meals for the family yet but I did prep some healthy food for myself.  I made a pot of quinoa, which I will have one hand for dinner every night.  I cookers some spaghettis squash and roasted some broccoli and parsnips.  I PLAN to have chicken or fish every night this week and I PLAN to do a cleanse next week.  I PLAN to do some light exercise this week, being VERY careful not to overdo it as my back is pretty inflamed right now.

I glanced at the calendar.  Next week I'm half way through the year to 50 years old.  I'm 26 weeks in and nowhere NEAR where I wanted to be weight wise at this point.  I think that's good.  I think one year was too far ahead to see what I needed to do.  With 26 weeks ahead I can break things down into smaller pieces with a better PLAN to get there.  I PLAN to now focus on one week at a time and yes, I think I WILL start weighing myself every week.  My focus is changing from healthy eating to losing weight.  Hopefully it won't fuck with my brain too much to focus on the number again but I think I need that accountability and measure to see that I'm on track.  "Going with the flow" isn't how I roll.  I need a strong plan with measurable results.  I think.  lmao - wow - I think I'm a bit of a hot mess this morning!  hee hee - sometimes I just have to shake my head at myself and laugh. Over-think things much?

OK - I'm getting sick of my own rambling now and my fingers are getting sore so I'll sign off.  The PLAN is to have a shake for breakfast and protein bar for lunch every day this week.  Snacks are oranges and cucumbers and a reasonable dinners without overeating.  As I keep telling myself the last few days "It's ok to be a little hungry!".  I'm off to buy groceries shortly.  Only healthy options will be bought (I have successfully purged the house of al temptation - Craig took the last of the treats to work today and the fridge is BARE!)

I hope you had a great holiday rest.  I'm loping forward to a successful year - and to seeing you soon.

Thanks for listening - love you Girlfriend!


Tam