New Strategy ...

Hey Girlfriend!

Would love to chat but seriously - need to get off this stupid computer and get some shit DONE today!!!  So short and sweet.

Weighed myself last Monday.  199.6 (I think).
Weighed myself today.  201.4.  For God's sake Tamara.  Get a grip!

I can't BELIEVE I'm not freaking out that the scale is actually over the 200 mark.  Seriously.  But I'm not.

Whatever.

Have I done well making healthier choices since I got back from holidays?

Actually I have!

The family had take out last week.  Subway.  Sure I could have had one … didn't want one!  Bought them theirs, took it home and had a big bowl of healthy borscht.

Yesterday for luck there was some EPIC spaghetti and sauce leftover from dinner.  Healthy, but pretty high carb and lots of oil in it … opted for fried zucchini and quinoa instead.

Resisted lots for things I would normally have eaten.

Success.

Scale doesn't say so, though.  I'm going with "water retention".  Is the scale higher this week?  Yes.  Did I eat 7,000 extra calories last week to gain 2 pounds of fat?  Nope.

Digging deeper and focusing more today as I can get a BIT more structure to my week with Craig being back at work (and next week will be even better with the kids back at school).

So!  Just for THIS WEEK I choose to …

• take my vitamins daily (was doing really well on this one until holidays - have totally forgotten for the last 2 weeks!)
• have a protein shake for breakfast (I have lots in the cupboard and want to start using up some of he healthy stuff I've got!)
• track my food in My Fitness Pal
• do my pilates DVD 3 times this week (seriously - it's only 17 minutes!!!)
• DRINK 3 LITRES OF WATER!!!!!!!!  This seems to be a hurdle I just can't get over … so new strategy … remeasuring 3 litres and leaving it on the counter!

That's it!  Nothing too new or earth shattering …. just the basics.

I've got this!

Gotta run (... have to pee from that first glass of water! lol ) …

TTYS  xo

Tam

Hanging in there ...

Hey Girlfriend!

Kinda miss our chats this week …. but not stressing over not posting.  It's a fine line between keeping my mind and focus on my goals and becoming a slave to them and/or obsessing over them so I'm trying to find a good balance on that.

I'm happy to report that I've been MUCH healthier since last week.  Oh sure, I've grabbed the odd "Nutter Butter" cookie (HAD to buy a *few* things in the States that we can't get here!) and yes, I took Alicia out for Vietnamese food Tuesday night BUT I was more disciplined than usual.  For once I didn't eat everything they gave me.  Yes, I should have stopped about 10 bites sooner but I'm making progress … we took our leftovers home.  Small success!

I got out for a walk with Koda yesterday too.  Haven't "formally" walked him since before holidays and with my foot problems have had to take it easy but yesterday we managed a short-route stroll.  My feet are much MUCH better than they were but I still have to be careful not to over-do it so shorter walks, in good shoes, is a must for now.

I'm feeling pretty good about everything this week.  Still a *little* stress eating due to Dad still being in the hospital but again, nothing too off-the-charts, which is good.  We still aren't sure what's "wrong" with Dad - got some test results yesterday which had the doctor say they couldn't find any reason for his dizziness and heart beat fluctuations.  He doesn't think a pacemaker is necessary and suggested Dad get a walker.  WTF???????  Seriously?  The man's heart beat drops down to 35 beats per minute and a WALKER is going to help with that??  His heart beat freaks out in the middle of the night setting alarms off and having staff running to his aid and everything is FINE?  Fuck.  SO not impressed!  I believe there is one more doctor to weigh in on an action plan.  He better have a better grip on things than the first doctor or they're going to have ME to answer to … and although my Mom can hold her own in a den of hungry lions they haven't had to to face ME when I'm riled.  Will NOT be pretty, I can promise you THAT!

Oh.  My.  Apparently I'm a little worked up now *lol*

So.  I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last week (when do not, right?)

I've said it before, I'll say it again.  I'm quite comfortable with my body these days.  I truly, truly am!  I know some people believe I'm just saying that … but I'm NOT just saying that.  Yes in the past I WOULD say that but deep down I really was just trying to convince myself I was comfortable.

Would I like to be thinner, lighter, smaller?  Ya, I guess if I'm being honest I would like to be.  If someone said they could wave a magic wand I could be my dream size/shape would my current size/shape be what I picked?  No.  I'd likely go for the 140 pound size 6 or 8.  Why?  WHY is that always the goal??  What's WRONG with being a curvy size 14 or 16 with hips and thighs to match the boobs?  What's WRONG with being 200 pounds?  Waaaaaaayyyyy back THAT was the desired size/shape/weight.  Being "bigger" meant you had wealth.  You could afford food and luxuries that the lower classes couldn't afford.  Bigger was better.  Things are different now.  NOW bigger means you are weak.  You don't have self control.  You're lazy.  You're unhealthy.  THAT'S what's wrong with being "bigger" these days.  I'm not fighting what I want to look like or eat, I'm fighting what THEY think I should look like or eat.  I'm worrying about what other people, STRANGERS, think about me! Why do I give a flying FUCK what people think about me??  DO I even KNOW what they are thinking?  NO!  I ASSUME I know!  Maybe I'm wrong!  Actually, something that was said to me yesterday has be realizing that I'm likely VERY wrong a large majority of the time!  I went for a much needed massage to help my feet as well as undo-the pains from *sleeping* in a recliner on holidays, and, as the masseuse was working on my hips she said (totally out of the blue) "so many women would kill to have your body type".  ???!!!  I almost fell off the table!  What?  I asked "What body type is that?"  She said wide hips, a small waist, balanced boobs …".  Oh!  Okayyyyy.  So here is a complete stranger.  Yes, she has noticed my features and processed that info enough to comment on them … but not in a negative way!  Was she lying?  No.  She certainly didn't HAVE to comment.  IF she was thinking negative things she could have just thought what she thought and not said a word … but she didn't.  Hmmmmm.  So.  If SHE looks at me and sees positive things could other people be thinking the same thing?  Could hundreds of women be looking at me and wishing they had my curves??  Could women larger than me be looking at me and wishing they were as "thin" as I am.

Yes.

A thousand times yes.

I'm fighting (dare I say SOCIETY is fighting) what other people think of them as much, or more, than what we think of ourselves.  I have been working very hard at ignoring what other people may or may not think about me.  How does that phrase go?  "What other people think of me is none of my business"?  It's true.  I think I'm pretty much there on not concerning myself with others' thoughts.  My MAIN struggle lately seems to be with me comparing myself to my YOUNGER me.  Now THAT is one that is going to take a bit more time but I'm getting there.  

I think I'll stop there for today.  I WILL do a post about just that - comparing myself to my younger self … and comparisons in general … but another day.  Have a few things I need to get on with today and I have a stamping session with some young stampers in a few hours so …

Just for today I chose …

• to drink my fucking water!!!!  Argh!  I seriously have had maybe 500 ml a day all week.  TODAY I WILL drink 2 litres of water!!

That's all!  That's all I'm committing to today.  Yes, I'll make mostly healthy food choices (I still have a HUGE bucket of low-calorie, delicious borscht in the fridge!) but water intake is my main goal today.  That and continuing to love myself just the way I am … cause size 8 or size 16 … I'm pretty awesome :)

Nice chatting with you, Girlfriend - TTYS!  xox

Tam

Let's Try This Again ...

Hey Girlfriend!

Yup I'm back from holidays.  Yup, I survived *lol*.  Having said that I'm VERY much looking forward to my massage and chiropractor appointments in 2 hours.  GAWD my back is killing me!  I *slept* in a recliner all week as the concrete slabs they called beds were NOT an option for getting more than 10 minutes of sleep!  On the bright side my feet aren't too bad.  I think not walking Koda for the week helped my muscles/fascia relax a bit.  Oh sure, if I stand or shop for more than about 30 minutes they start to bark at me but I'm definitely on the mend.  I'm positive today's appointments will help a lot.

So.  I don't have a lot of time (or energy) for a major ramble today.  I have SO much to do in the next week and a half.  Aside from back-to-school prep I have some major projects on the go, classes and volunteer work to plan and on top of everything else my dad is in the hospital :(

While we were away (and off the grid with no cell service unless we went 20 minutes into town) dad was having heart problems.  He's been there almost a week.  His heartbeat and blood pressure are all over the place so he's there getting lots of tests done.  My guess is he'll need a pacemaker but time will tell.  So my time and energy revolves around taking the girls to visit him (they are quite distressed over the whole thing), checking on mom and so on.

Needless to say between holidays and stress my health living has taken a bit of a beating.

While away my eating was a total shit show.  That's ok.  I expected it.  Maybe that's why I ate pretty much non-stop for 7 days.  I had given myself permission to … and I took full advantage of it.  I'm not upset about it.  I enjoyed it for the most part.  I know WHY I was doing it, really.  Firstly it was because I really don't "do nothing" well.  I always seem to need to do SOMETHING … so I ate.  Most of the time it was M&M peanuts … or chips.  Secondly it's because I don't smoke anymore.  Holidays and relaxing have been a part of every holiday for 25 years, barring the last two years.  I don't smoke anymore … so I substituted it with snacks.  Again.  All good.  I would much rather have to deal with extra weight than lung cancer.  Overeating isn't healthy but it's probably a little better than smoking - at least that's what I tell myself.

So we start again.

While away I tried to thin about moving forward and how that was going to look.  Again - I'll save that ramble for another day but let's just say I need a bit of a new approach.  My body is telling me that I NEED to lose some weight,  My legs just don't have any strength to them lately and I know that's from the extra weight I've gained.  It really is funny.  This is by FAR the heaviest I've ever weighed … but, as I've said before, I'm really quite okay with it!  That's HUGE for me!!  I don't LOVE the way I look but I seem to have embraced my curves and I certainly don't HATE the way I look.  I bought some great looking jeans on holidays and I was quite comfortable wearing a bathing suit that didn't hide my hips and thighs …

I decided I need to have one-week goals … and weigh-ins moving forward.  Whist I love the "just for today" mini commitments it seems to allow me to deviate from my goals with the "oh well, tomorrow is a new day" mentality.  I need to see real progress on the scale to know I'm *succeeding* in a bit of weight loss.

I weighed myself yesterday.  199.6 pounds.  Sigh.  Again - not too upset but I guess surprised - and disappointed.  Not really going the right direction now, am I?  Mentally I'm doing well (which was half the goal) but physically not-so-much.

Yesterday I made a HUGE vat of healthy, delicious borscht.  Since we've gotten home I've eaten a little more reasonably so I'm feeling positive about that.  I'm not going to commit to daily things this week - but I will commit to the week …

Just for this week I choose to …

• be very, VERY kind to myself
• no negative self talk
• do my best to make healthy choices
• healthy breakfasts, simple lunches, clean dinners
• TRY to have healthy snacks on hand for when I'm away from home
• TRY not to have processed food … but may allow myself a small popcorn if Alicia and I got to the movies
• TRY to drink a few litres of water a day

Next week I'll have my shit together a little better.  The kids go back to school Thursday so within the next 2 weeks life will get back into a routine - I'll start exercising again and have more time to focus on healthy.  Hopefully by then Dad's health will be sorted out and my stress levels will go down.  Stress inhibits weight loss so I'll be keeping that in mind too.  Gunna be a tough few weeks mentally but I will do my very best to do my very best … and if I stumble I will be kind and gentle with myself.  Just a little blip in the plan.

K.  Gotta run.  I likely won't post every day over the next few weeks - but now that I'm thinking about you and will post when I can.

Miss you Girlfriend - TTYS

Tam

Heading Off the Grid

Hey Girlfriend!

Oh look!  It's 4:05 am.  Sigh.  Need I say more?

Guess I forgot to post again yesterday.  My bad.  Can you tell my focus and excitement are faltering a bit?  Ya.  I need a bit of a re-set.  It's coming.  We're off on holidays tomorrow … so I'm a *bit* in the "holiday mode" regarding relaxation and increased calorie counts the last few days.  Had a bit out for lunch Wednesday … and dinner out last night with my BFF.  Was a *little* hard on myself for eating too much.  Knew I was doing it but just didn't stop.  Argh!  Why can't I just step away from the plate???  It's not like it's my last meal out EVER.  I CAN take some home.  Dunno.  I guess I just enjoy it so much at the time I can't get enough.  I'll work on it.  Promise … but not today *lol*.

I'm going to be totally "off the grid" for a week so you won't see any post from me.  When we get back Craig will still be off for another week .. then 1.5 weeks later the girls are back at school.  Yay!  LOVE getting back into a routine even if it DOES mean having to put pants on by 7:30 am and pack lunches.  I'm actually super excited to get back on track Sept 1 - back to healthy living … and exercise!  I'm ready to take that little plunge again.  Nothing too crazy but this SPring I worked out every days for 3-4 months.  I just can't seem to do that with the kids home so bring on September, I say!

So holidays … I'm not going to set myself any restrictions.  I'm just going to TRY to be conscious of the calories a *bit* but I'm not going to NOT have a cooler because it's high sugar.  I'm GOING to have a amore or two and ya, I'll most likely check out a few chip / chocolate treats that we can't get here in Canada.  I'll TRY not to snack too much and, feet permitting, I'll try to move my body more than too and from the beach chair … but no promises *lol*

I'm going to do my best, relax and just enjoy.  Just for this week :)

Thanks for popping in - TTY in a week xox


Tam

Eat that Frog!

Hey Girlfriend!

MAN I'm in a great mood today!  It's a great-mood-hangover from yesterday!  SUCH a great day I had!

After a LOVELY start to the day having coffee and a LIVE chat I ran a few errands before returning to "the slug people" as I like to call the girls.  I was thrilled that they were up before the crack of noon … and were even DRESSED! *lol*  I had hoped they had eaten something relatively healthy (or NORMAL!) for brunch alas their grand creation was chips and salsa!  LMAO.  Kids!  Well - I guess it's better than chocolate chips!  hee hee.

After I had a bite to eat (zucchini omelette!) I checked my phone messages and found I had a message.  Rewind … background story …

Last month when I was toying with starting this blog …and my journey to a better me in 50 weeks … I knew I wanted to push my limits.  Grow.  Learn.  Leave my comfort zone.  I'd been "comfortable" for too long and I felt like the gerbil on the wheel.  Going nowhere, bored, lacking purpose …

Part of this journey is to leave the comfort zone … so that's what I decided to do.

I wanted to push my stamping business in a bit of a different direction.  I still want to do clubs and classes but I also want to share what I love with others.  I wanted to meet new people and reach new customers but without doing the traditional home parties.  I wanted more from my business but, up until now, haven't been willing to do what needs to be done to grow it.

I saw a message on the Stampin' Up! website for their Business Development Program.  They were accepting applicants.  I've been in the program before - about 5 years ago and decided to apply for another round.  Essentially SU assigns you a coach.  They call you every two weeks and help you achieve what you want to achieve.  I knew I needed the program.  I've had LOTS of grey ideas to grow my business but I just haven't ACTED on them.  I need to push myself and I need to be accountable to do the things I say I want to do.  I applied.  I was accepted.   I had my first call last week.  One of the goals I wanted to achieve was to get into some Senior Care Facilities and help the residents get their pictures into albums.  Project Life.  I don't want to do so in order to make a million dollars or get new customers per se … I just want to volunteer and help people document their lives.  As my parents age I realize how important that is.  Seems everyone has a shoebox of pictures with no names, dates or information on the back.  What happens to these pictures when the owner pass away???  I hate the thought of finding a box like this in my parents' basement one day.

My coach set the goal for me to "get 'er done".  Ugh.  I DREADED making the cold call.  I was SO busy!  *insert eye roll and sarcasm here*.  That's the problem - I've been "SO busy" for about 8 months now … and I haven't done what I want to do!  WTF was the big deal???  Since we are heading on holiday Saturday I needed to make that call SOON … and then it happened.  I had about 15 things on my to-do list.  THAT'S when I work best  No time to think - just DO!  I googled the Senior Facility and dialled the number, not even knowing what I was going to say.  I was all hyped up.  It rang .. and rang .. and rang.  I got the answering machine.  Sigh.  I hung up.  Didn't leave a message.

Chicken shit.

I tried half an hour later.  Machine again.  Sigh again.  This time I LEFT a message.  Yay me!  Not gunna lie  - I was kinda glad when no one called me back.  Oh well!  Did what I said I was gunna do!  Coach can't say I didn't try! *lol*

So!  Back to our story … so I come home yesterday and there's a message on my phone.  They had called me back.  Ok.  I can do this.  Picked up the phone and dialled … and got through to who I needed to talk to.

This is where I need to give myself a serious slap.  WTF was holding me back???  I had a LOVELY conversation with a LOVELY young lady who was new to the job.  She LOVED my idea and was HAPPY to meet with me to show her what I had in mind and go through the fine details!

I ATE THAT BIG UGLY FROG AND IT TASTED GREAT!  (Craig was confused by my "I ate a frog today" text … so in case you, too, don't *get* it …" How do you eat a frog?  One bite at a time … "and it's best to eat the biggest, ugliest frog on our plate first thing in the morning so it's done, out of your way and your biggest obstacle is over with - the rest of the day ROCKS!)

Once I hung up I was seriously on top of the world!  I was excited, energized, proud, happy, full of ideas … WHY DID I WAIT SO LONG??  Why was I fearing rejection so much?  What was the WROST that could have happened?  They may have said "no thanks".  And??  Life would not have ended!  What would happen if they said "yes, please"?  Well … now I know!

So I ate the frog, I moved myself forward and it feels fanTASTIC!  Did I drink my 1.5 litres of water yesterday?  Nope.  Was yesterday a success?  Yup.  It's not all about food and exercise.  It's about being a better me.  I'm a better me this morning than I was yesterday morning.  Will I try to move forward a little more today than yesterday?  Yup.  Maybe I'll get that water in yet :)

Love you Girlfriend.  Have a FAB day!


Tam

Happy Update

Hey Girlfriend!

NOt much to say these days, really - my posts are starting to bore me *lol*.  Maybe I should switch to posting "Just for This Week" … dunno.  I suppose I'll just see what I need as I need it.

Gotta admit - not feeling the same determination I did 2.5 weeks ago.  Typical Tamara.  Start out of the gate full speed then quickly taper off.  Don't worry though - I'm still gunna limp along.  Slow and steady wins the race, right?  Speaking of limping - happy update on my foot situation.  Today it seriously feels 95% better!  I went for another chiro appointment yesterday.  Yup - hurt like a sunuvabitch as he dug his thumb into the tender part of my heel.  GEEZ!  Damned near went through the roof …. but it's necessary.  Gott break up the "gristle"-like something-or-other that's going on down there.  He said it was already smaller from Friday, which is great news.  Still can't walk without shoes (and likely never will walk barefoot in the house again) but I'm not even limping this morning!!  Heaven for my HIPS!  I'm going again Thursday, before I go on holidays.  Fingers crossed it just keeps getting better and better!

Now … back to this healthy living gig.  Ya - just can't seem to make it to the end of the day hitting my goals.  Water is down (again), didn't track my foot/calories and yup - caved and had my ice cream.  Not letting it get me down - just don't know why I'm not doing it.  I suppose, being the "all-ornothing" gal I am I fall down on tracking when I don't know exactly what to track.  Yesterday I tracked until dinner … but then had my roasted vegetables.  didn't know how much of what veg I had (it's all mixed together) and didn't know how much oil was in the batch … so I didn't track it.  So it's not like I'm binging on a bag of Doritos but I feel more successful when I KNOW how I've done - when it's measurable.  Ya, had the ice cream but again, calorie-wise for the day I'm pretty rue I was still in the 1,300 range.

I guess it's a good thing if I can just coast along for a while - not losing, not gaining.  I suppose this is how "normal" people do it.  Overall that's where I want to be and how I want to be able to live - mainly healthy - everything in moderation.  Just seems a little early to be doing THAT *lol*.  I still DO want to shift a little weight, as my jeans feel snug this morning (but I'm sure Aunt Flo has something to do with that).  Not going to dwell on it at this point.  I haven't been able to be as active as I would have liked due to my feet so hopefully once that gets sorted, and holidays are over, I'll be a little more focused.

So … nothing really profound today - just general update rambling and to let you know not every day is a full success … or sunshine and roses … but I'm still doing my best and being kind to myself.

Just for Today I choose to …

• Eat Clean (so I can track it accurately)
• Track what I eat
• Drink at least 1.5 litres of water (see if we can get THAT much in!)

That's all.  SUrely I can do THAT … even if it's just for today!

Have a great day Girlfriend - love you!

Tam

A Good Save

Hey Girlfriend,

Sorry I didn't post yesterday … kinda forgot after posting twice Saturday!

As always the weekend was a bit of a challenge for me eating wise.  More relaxed than during the week as I don't log my food (on My Fitness Pal).  I just find it "too much" on weekends.  During the week I find it quite easy to eat "clean".  I cook plain food with little or no sauces to complicate the calorie / recipe logging process.  Weekends aren't so smooth.  Craig usually does the cooking on weekends (lucky me!) and he uses a lot of marinades and sauces (likely why the kids like his cooking better than mine!).  So weekends I slide a bit … and that's just fine with me.  My goal is to eat like a reasonable human being 5 days a week and then I can enjoy a little more on weekends.  Gotta admit, though, last week I enjoyed during the week too.  A small bowl of ice cream most nights seemed to be the norm.  Ok, it's summer … but that's gotta stop.  The goal isn't necessarily to lose weight but at bare minimum it's not to GAIN weight!

I had a good save yesterday which was the slight slap I needed.

I had a HUGE bunch of 2 eggs, 1/2 c of egg whites and lots of my roasted vegetables from the other night (still LOTS left!!) in an omelette.  VERY satisfying and VERY filling.  About 1.5 hours later the girls came down and made some Ichiban Noodle soup.  I have a love/hate relationship with that stuff.  I absolutely LOVE it but recognize that it is total crap and nutritionally void in everyday.  Carbs, fat and SALT.  It really is nothing more than a gut filler.  Might as well eat rocks for all the nutritional value you get from it.  Nonetheless I buy it as yes, the kids love it.  Rebecca ate about half of hers and announced she was full.  As always, she asked "Mom - do you want it?"  I looked at - thought about it for a second and said "ya, OK".  Craig - who RARELY says ANYthing about what I do or don't eat, or about how much I eat, says "you don't need that garbage.  It's total crap".

I looked at it - realized not only was he absolutely right but that I wasn't even hungry.  Once again I was about to mindlessly put food in my mouth because a) it tastes good and b) I hate wasting food (although really this stuff shouldn't even be classified AS food!).  I said "You're right.  No thanks - throw it down the drain" … and she did.  I later thanked Craig for the "save" and for making me aware.  Other woman may have been offended … and if I hd been in a different mood I may have been too but wasn't.  His comment came from a place of love … and maybe some frustration.  Maybe he's tired of hearing me put myself down, complaining about my weight but then continuing to put garbage in my mouth!  He certainly isn't the poster by for healthy eating himself but I know he wasn't judging or being critical - he was just giving me the gentle reminder (slap?) I needed …. and I was grateful.

Back on track today.  We are on vacation Saturday so this is when I traditionally start the "Meh - holiday in a week so I'll be eating badly then - why not start now" mentality.  Not this time.  I still have 5 days to enjoy healthy food and my fridge is full of it!  It helps that I don't like throwing away food so …

Just for today I choose to …

• log everything that goes in my mouth
• NOT have ice cream
• eat between 1,200 - 1,300 calories
• drink 2.5 litres of water

That's all I can commit to for now - anything more is a bonus but I have a SUPER busy day today so want to keep it manageable.  I'd love to do my pilates video as well so that will be in the background … won't commit to it but just may squeeze it in before my chiro appointment for my foot (it's SO much better since my first one I can't wait to go again!)

So that's it for now (yes, it's 3:03 am …. couldn't sleep … perhaps I can get a few hours in before the kids wake up!)

TTYT.  Love you Girlfriend!

Tam