Much Better Now!

Heidi Ho, Girlfriend!

Thought I'd do a quid update since my anger issues seem to have passed *lol*.  I know, I know - I'm kinda intense.  Can't help it - part of my "go hard or go home / all-or-nothing" charm, right?

So the anger last week really seemed to catapult me into action.  I've said before and I'll say it again "I'm all-or-nothing".  The switch is either on or off - no in between with me.  That's just how it has to be.  I've tested the theory before and it just keeps coming back to "I can't just do a little bit".  I'm not kidding when I say food is an addiction for me.  It really is like alcohol to an alcoholic.   I can resist the "naughty" foods … but if I have just a taste the damn breaks and it's a free for all.  I simply can't allow myself the taste or nibble.  Period.  End of.  I'm coming to terms with that … at least for now.  Eating the bad tuff just can't be an option for me … so the switch is off.

"No sugar shall pass these lips".

It's been easy since my mind turned the switch off.

Went out for dinner Saturday night.  Vietnamese food.  Had planned ahead to have a healthy stir fry rather than my usual noodle bowl.  Figured I could resist half the noodles.  I was wrong.  Now I'm fine that I ate everything on my plate - I had eaten ridiculously healthy all day knowing I was going out.  Than in and of itself is a huge success for me.  In the past I would have the "I'm going out tonight and will be "bad" so why be "good" the rest of the day?  Might as well enjoy all day!" … which usually turns into all weekend … and all week … and all month … and all year!  I ate the meal, I thoroughly enjoyed the meal and then it was over.

Funny .. when I was talking to "Betty", let's call her, about my new "I'm done and onto a new "just don't put it in your mouth"" mentality … she said "why would you start on a Thursday??  Why not wait until Monday?  What's a few more days?"

THAT, my friend, is the enabling, negative, "you're going to fail anyway so why even try for two days" type of message that has kept me where I am for so very, very long.

Nope.  It's like when you quit smoking.  When you're done, you're done.  You don't smoke for another few days until Monday.  You just stop.

I've just stopped.

You know what I had for lunch yesterday?  Fried spinach and onions.  Seriously.  Ya know what? It was de-fuckin-licious!  I wished I had more!  You know what else?  The container of boiled spinach was in the fridge right beside the leftover boiled egg noodles.  I love(d?) nothing better than leftover noodles fried in butter and garlic with seasoning salt on top.  Didn't even think to grab it.  Grabbed the spinach … and I think I liked it better.

No shit.

I have also started taking 2 tsp of apple cider vinegar (in 1 cup of water) about half hour before my meal, twice a day.  I've read so much about the benefits thought I'd give it a whirl.  Don't know if it's just my new attitude, the nice weather or the ACV but this morning I had a TONNE of energy!  Haven't felt this good in donkey's years!

Know what else?  Friday I did 5 squats.  Just 5.  Saturday I did 10.  Today I did 10.  Tomorrow I'll do what I can.

Fired up the Fitbit.

Walked 6,000 Saturday …8,800 so far today.

Doing what I can and will continue to get mentally and physically stronger every day.

This is my new normal.

I know I'm not suppose to be on electronics now but wanted to share.

The "Embrace" movie screening was awesome.  I was surprised I didn't cry.  Then I wasn't surprised I didn't cry.  I think I "got it" 2 days before I saw the movie.

I love my body.  I am more than my body.  I am healthy and I am fine just the way (and size) I am.  Yes, I am healthy … but I'm not always honouring my body as I should … so I'm going to from now on.  A lovely result of that SHOULD be that some weight comes off.  But if it doesn't, I'm ok with that.  Truly I am.

I'm going to lead by example to my girls.  I'm going to love myself and my body and not concern myself with what others may think or say about it.  I THINK it has taken me this past year … or these past 49 years … to truly believe that people love me for who I am and they don't JUDGE me for gaining 60 pounds.  Oh sure there ARE those people in the world who DO look at people and judge them for their size, shape, colour, religion, piercings, sexual orientation …. but none of MY friends are those people … so who the fuck cares?  Just this past week it has occurred to me that THAT is the problem with my self image - THE FEAR OF JUDGEMENT!  The fear of running into someone I haven't seen in a year and having them go hoe and say to their spouse "Hey!  I ran into Tam today.  Wow, I can't believe how much weight she's gained!"  I have to let that go!  I think I HAVE let that go now that I recognize the source of my stress over my weight.  The judgement of others.  How silly.  How sad.  Without sounding conceited I KNOW I'm awesome!  I KNOW I'm kind, caring, empathetic, strong, supportive, generous, polite (well … aside from loving to swear and occasionally be fairly inappropriate!) … oh, and funny.  I'm funny.

I have a beautiful back … and a smile that makes my husband weak in the knees.

I love my friends, my kids, my dog, my fingers … yes, I love my fingers.  (OK - now I'm getting a little choked up here!)

I am soooo much more than my size.

I think, with 50 a mere 8.5 weeks away I may have reached the finish line.  I may be up 6 pounds from when I started this blog … and this journey … but I think it's purpose has been fulfilled.  I may have 6 more pounds of fat on my body but I honestly feel like I've lost 60 pounds of weight … and stress … and grief.

I feel lighter.

I feel happier.

I feel at peace with myself.

I'll check in again.  Might be in 2 days .. might be in 8 weeks … might be in a year.  Doesn't really matter now does it?  I think I'll go for a bike ride now … even if it's Just For Today.

Love You Girlfriend.  Thanks for listening.  It's been very, VERY therapeutic.

xoxo  Tam

I'm mad as hell and I'm not gunna take it anymore!

Fuck!

Seriously!

I am mad as a wet hornet today!

I'm fed up!

I'm pissed off!

I'm DONE!

Why haven't I been posting lately?  Because I've sucked!  I've sucked HARD!  I have been a total and utter shit show in the health department lately and although I kept TRYING to get back on track I haven't succeeded.

I've done a LOT of talking to myself.

I've done a LOT of thinking.

I've done a LOT of negative self talk … and my husband has had enough.  I didn't even realize I was doing it … but I was … and he was sick of it.  He got mad.  He never gets mad … and it made me cry. Not because he was mean … because he was lovely.  Because he was mad that I'm so mean to myself. Because he was mad that us women are so ridiculous.  Because I didn't seem to understand that it doesn't matter.  So I cried.  I cried because I was sorry I was saying bad things about myself and that he felt he always had to defend me … defend me to ME!  I cried because I hate the way I look but I'm doing the right things to change it.  I cried because I was tired … and sick of this struggle.  I'm tired of trying … but when I don't try things get even worse.  I try to just eat like a "normal" person … but I don't …

I've been researching more plans.  "Thrive", "Weight Watchers", "Jenny Craig", "Red Box" … and then I bitch slap myself.

Seriously!

ALMOST called Jenny Craig.  Been on that one before and got down to about 155 pounds.  It was easy.

Bitch slap!

WTF is WRONG with me???  WHY do I have to spend $150 a WEEK to eat what they tell me to eat?  Why can't I just use the 20 fucking containers I have in the drawer … fill them with measured quinoa and healthy food and eat THAT??!!

ENOUGH!!!

This morning I looked up what I weighed when I started this blog.  Around 193.  The plan was 50 pounds in 50 weeks, yes?  Ya.  I weighed myself yesterday.  I'm UP 6 pounds!  For fuck SAKE Tamara!  Seriously??  So for 41 weeks you've been on this journey … struggled, tried, fought, slipped, fought back …. and almost a whole year later your not just where you WERE but you're UP in weight!  Oh.  My.  God!!!

I SAY AGAIN - ENOUGH!!!

Mark this date.  This shit stops NOW!  Like the title says - I'm mad as hell and I'm not gunna take it anymore!  Enough with the excuses.  Enough with the half-assed attempts and eating healthy.  Enough of the bullshit.  Enough of lying to myself.  My summer clothes don't fit.  Period.  I have blow out the thighs of TWO pairs of jeans in the last 6 months.  My bra is tight, my arms are fat, my knees hurt and I am DONE!

Starting TODAY it ends.  No more sugar.  No more white flour.  No more shit.  No kidding.

Moving more.  Drinking more water.  Eating more raw food.  Eating less meat.

I am now walking the walk.

I am imagining I have magically been given a 140 pound, fit body.  I am now going to live the lifestyle I need to live to MAINTAIN that 140 pound, fit body.  That means NO MORE SITTING.  That means no sedentary relaxing in the evenings.  Summer is here.  The bike is in the garage.  How many times did I get on it last year?  Zero.  None.  Zilch.  I will now set business hours like a normal human being.  I will NOT check my emails and Facebook in the evenings between 5:00 pm and 9:00 pm.  I will be walking, biking, playing with the dog, enjoying the weather and getting a life!  I will NOT be lie a mole in my cave wen I don't have to be.

My fitbit is charging as we speak.
Just stocked up on fresh fruit, veg, 0% Greek yoghurt, fish, nuts.
I have a friend I am "fitting" with - we are going to do 5 squats tomorrow.  5.  That's all.  But we're gunna do them.  We're going to walk 5,000 steps … and we will go from there.

Done.  DONE!  FUCKING DONE!

Watch this space.  When I get mad things happen … and I'm mad as hell.