Monday, May 8, 2017

Much Better Now!

Heidi Ho, Girlfriend!

Thought I'd do a quid update since my anger issues seem to have passed *lol*.  I know, I know - I'm kinda intense.  Can't help it - part of my "go hard or go home / all-or-nothing" charm, right?

So the anger last week really seemed to catapult me into action.  I've said before and I'll say it again "I'm all-or-nothing".  The switch is either on or off - no in between with me.  That's just how it has to be.  I've tested the theory before and it just keeps coming back to "I can't just do a little bit".  I'm not kidding when I say food is an addiction for me.  It really is like alcohol to an alcoholic.   I can resist the "naughty" foods … but if I have just a taste the damn breaks and it's a free for all.  I simply can't allow myself the taste or nibble.  Period.  End of.  I'm coming to terms with that … at least for now.  Eating the bad tuff just can't be an option for me … so the switch is off.

"No sugar shall pass these lips".

It's been easy since my mind turned the switch off.

Went out for dinner Saturday night.  Vietnamese food.  Had planned ahead to have a healthy stir fry rather than my usual noodle bowl.  Figured I could resist half the noodles.  I was wrong.  Now I'm fine that I ate everything on my plate - I had eaten ridiculously healthy all day knowing I was going out.  Than in and of itself is a huge success for me.  In the past I would have the "I'm going out tonight and will be "bad" so why be "good" the rest of the day?  Might as well enjoy all day!" … which usually turns into all weekend … and all week … and all month … and all year!  I ate the meal, I thoroughly enjoyed the meal and then it was over.

Funny .. when I was talking to "Betty", let's call her, about my new "I'm done and onto a new "just don't put it in your mouth"" mentality … she said "why would you start on a Thursday??  Why not wait until Monday?  What's a few more days?"

THAT, my friend, is the enabling, negative, "you're going to fail anyway so why even try for two days" type of message that has kept me where I am for so very, very long.

Nope.  It's like when you quit smoking.  When you're done, you're done.  You don't smoke for another few days until Monday.  You just stop.

I've just stopped.

You know what I had for lunch yesterday?  Fried spinach and onions.  Seriously.  Ya know what? It was de-fuckin-licious!  I wished I had more!  You know what else?  The container of boiled spinach was in the fridge right beside the leftover boiled egg noodles.  I love(d?) nothing better than leftover noodles fried in butter and garlic with seasoning salt on top.  Didn't even think to grab it.  Grabbed the spinach … and I think I liked it better.

No shit.

I have also started taking 2 tsp of apple cider vinegar (in 1 cup of water) about half hour before my meal, twice a day.  I've read so much about the benefits thought I'd give it a whirl.  Don't know if it's just my new attitude, the nice weather or the ACV but this morning I had a TONNE of energy!  Haven't felt this good in donkey's years!

Know what else?  Friday I did 5 squats.  Just 5.  Saturday I did 10.  Today I did 10.  Tomorrow I'll do what I can.

Fired up the Fitbit.

Walked 6,000 Saturday …8,800 so far today.

Doing what I can and will continue to get mentally and physically stronger every day.

This is my new normal.

I know I'm not suppose to be on electronics now but wanted to share.

The "Embrace" movie screening was awesome.  I was surprised I didn't cry.  Then I wasn't surprised I didn't cry.  I think I "got it" 2 days before I saw the movie.

I love my body.  I am more than my body.  I am healthy and I am fine just the way (and size) I am.  Yes, I am healthy … but I'm not always honouring my body as I should … so I'm going to from now on.  A lovely result of that SHOULD be that some weight comes off.  But if it doesn't, I'm ok with that.  Truly I am.

I'm going to lead by example to my girls.  I'm going to love myself and my body and not concern myself with what others may think or say about it.  I THINK it has taken me this past year … or these past 49 years … to truly believe that people love me for who I am and they don't JUDGE me for gaining 60 pounds.  Oh sure there ARE those people in the world who DO look at people and judge them for their size, shape, colour, religion, piercings, sexual orientation …. but none of MY friends are those people … so who the fuck cares?  Just this past week it has occurred to me that THAT is the problem with my self image - THE FEAR OF JUDGEMENT!  The fear of running into someone I haven't seen in a year and having them go hoe and say to their spouse "Hey!  I ran into Tam today.  Wow, I can't believe how much weight she's gained!"  I have to let that go!  I think I HAVE let that go now that I recognize the source of my stress over my weight.  The judgement of others.  How silly.  How sad.  Without sounding conceited I KNOW I'm awesome!  I KNOW I'm kind, caring, empathetic, strong, supportive, generous, polite (well … aside from loving to swear and occasionally be fairly inappropriate!) … oh, and funny.  I'm funny.

I have a beautiful back … and a smile that makes my husband weak in the knees.

I love my friends, my kids, my dog, my fingers … yes, I love my fingers.  (OK - now I'm getting a little choked up here!)

I am soooo much more than my size.

I think, with 50 a mere 8.5 weeks away I may have reached the finish line.  I may be up 6 pounds from when I started this blog … and this journey … but I think it's purpose has been fulfilled.  I may have 6 more pounds of fat on my body but I honestly feel like I've lost 60 pounds of weight … and stress … and grief.

I feel lighter.

I feel happier.

I feel at peace with myself.

I'll check in again.  Might be in 2 days .. might be in 8 weeks … might be in a year.  Doesn't really matter now does it?  I think I'll go for a bike ride now … even if it's Just For Today.

Love You Girlfriend.  Thanks for listening.  It's been very, VERY therapeutic.

xoxo  Tam

Thursday, May 4, 2017

I'm mad as hell and I'm not gunna take it anymore!



I am mad as a wet hornet today!

I'm fed up!

I'm pissed off!


Why haven't I been posting lately?  Because I've sucked!  I've sucked HARD!  I have been a total and utter shit show in the health department lately and although I kept TRYING to get back on track I haven't succeeded.

I've done a LOT of talking to myself.

I've done a LOT of thinking.

I've done a LOT of negative self talk … and my husband has had enough.  I didn't even realize I was doing it … but I was … and he was sick of it.  He got mad.  He never gets mad … and it made me cry. Not because he was mean … because he was lovely.  Because he was mad that I'm so mean to myself. Because he was mad that us women are so ridiculous.  Because I didn't seem to understand that it doesn't matter.  So I cried.  I cried because I was sorry I was saying bad things about myself and that he felt he always had to defend me … defend me to ME!  I cried because I hate the way I look but I'm doing the right things to change it.  I cried because I was tired … and sick of this struggle.  I'm tired of trying … but when I don't try things get even worse.  I try to just eat like a "normal" person … but I don't …

I've been researching more plans.  "Thrive", "Weight Watchers", "Jenny Craig", "Red Box" … and then I bitch slap myself.


ALMOST called Jenny Craig.  Been on that one before and got down to about 155 pounds.  It was easy.

Bitch slap!

WTF is WRONG with me???  WHY do I have to spend $150 a WEEK to eat what they tell me to eat?  Why can't I just use the 20 fucking containers I have in the drawer … fill them with measured quinoa and healthy food and eat THAT??!!


This morning I looked up what I weighed when I started this blog.  Around 193.  The plan was 50 pounds in 50 weeks, yes?  Ya.  I weighed myself yesterday.  I'm UP 6 pounds!  For fuck SAKE Tamara!  Seriously??  So for 41 weeks you've been on this journey … struggled, tried, fought, slipped, fought back …. and almost a whole year later your not just where you WERE but you're UP in weight!  Oh.  My.  God!!!


Mark this date.  This shit stops NOW!  Like the title says - I'm mad as hell and I'm not gunna take it anymore!  Enough with the excuses.  Enough with the half-assed attempts and eating healthy.  Enough of the bullshit.  Enough of lying to myself.  My summer clothes don't fit.  Period.  I have blow out the thighs of TWO pairs of jeans in the last 6 months.  My bra is tight, my arms are fat, my knees hurt and I am DONE!

Starting TODAY it ends.  No more sugar.  No more white flour.  No more shit.  No kidding.

Moving more.  Drinking more water.  Eating more raw food.  Eating less meat.

I am now walking the walk.

I am imagining I have magically been given a 140 pound, fit body.  I am now going to live the lifestyle I need to live to MAINTAIN that 140 pound, fit body.  That means NO MORE SITTING.  That means no sedentary relaxing in the evenings.  Summer is here.  The bike is in the garage.  How many times did I get on it last year?  Zero.  None.  Zilch.  I will now set business hours like a normal human being.  I will NOT check my emails and Facebook in the evenings between 5:00 pm and 9:00 pm.  I will be walking, biking, playing with the dog, enjoying the weather and getting a life!  I will NOT be lie a mole in my cave wen I don't have to be.

My fitbit is charging as we speak.
Just stocked up on fresh fruit, veg, 0% Greek yoghurt, fish, nuts.
I have a friend I am "fitting" with - we are going to do 5 squats tomorrow.  5.  That's all.  But we're gunna do them.  We're going to walk 5,000 steps … and we will go from there.


Watch this space.  When I get mad things happen … and I'm mad as hell.

Friday, March 31, 2017

14 weeks ….

Heidi Ho Girlfriend!

Did you think I left the country without a forwarding address?  Ya, sorry 'bout that!  Been THINKING about posting for AGES but just never got around to it.  I seem to have a cap on how much I can do in a week … and posting always hit the bottom of the pile.  If you've been following my stamping life you know I've been REALLY working my business and trying to build my team. It has been paying off and the ladies on my team are on FIRE … which just motivates and inspires me more …

I wanted to post about a month ago just to touch base with my latest "project".  When Ash Wednesday hit I decided I needed a new challenge.  What did I give up for Lent?  Meat!  yup - thought I'd give going vegetarian a shot.  Why not?  Gotta mix it up and try new things, right?  It really wasn't as tough as I thought it would be.  I was excited about the possibility of shifting a few pounds and eating even more clean than I had been.  The really funny thing about it was the reaction of my family (and my mother).  They all rolled their eyes with the "oh boy - here we go again" look … and pointed out that I'm not even Catholic so what the heck?  hee hee.  Just part of my crazy!

So I did pretty well … I guess … we'll just fast forward a month and say ya, I'm back on meat hee hee. Craig was thrilled when he was barbecuing on Saturday and I announced, "ya, I'll have a hamburger too".  He greeted me with "Yay!  Welcome back!  We missed you!".  *lol*.  I DID go meat free Monday to Saturday every week, having some Chicken on Sundays … and then a burger last week.  Having said that I still want to be "mainly veg" (Craig asked if that's like being a little bit pregnant) … I want to eat less meat.  I realize, in hindsight, that I eat WAY too much meat, justifying it by saying it's protein.  Ya … but how many calories are in the sauce … or the skin … or the fat …

I love legumes and fresh o roasted veg.  It really is primarily the inconvenience of prepping all MY food and then cooking separate meals for "them" and "me".  Oh sure, the kids will eat SOME clean stuff but they aren't into the beans, tofu, hemp hearts etc and other healthy proteins that would keep them growing and healthy.

So - experiment over on the 100% vegetarian gig … did I lose weight.  No.  I know I did eat more calories than before, with more avocados, nuts etc … and I *may* have accidentally eaten a Costco sized bag of Jelly Belly jelly beans .. and maybe some Eggies easter eggs … but I digress …

I looked at the calendar and see I am now only 14 weeks away from my 50th birthday … and I'm really no closer to my goal that I set 40 weeks ago.  By now I had planned to be down a good 30 pounds!  Am I disappointed.  Well - yes and no.  I really do think I've come a very long way this year.  I've let go of the guilt.  If I want to eat a bag of jelly beans I will.  I recognize, for whatever reason, I want it … or need it, so I have it … and then I move on.  Do I understand it?  Sometimes.  Do I like it?  No.  But do I waste a minute beating myself up of it?  No.  I don't.  I seriously don't.  It is what it is.  I'm 49 years old.  I realize I've been fighting myself and being down on myself hard-core for 15 years … and about 10 years of light beating myself up before that.  I'm tired.  I've realized life is SO short.  I won't spend any more time with my weight/shape/size as my main "project" any more.  I don't like looking back on the last 10 years and wondering if I was happy during that time.  It just doesn't matter.  I'm done with the guilt.

Will I keep trying to do better?  Absolutely!  I have learned if I take my eye off the ball I just swing the other way hard and fast.

I know my limitations.  If I want to eat clean and healthy I can't have the crap around.  Plain and simple.  Just like an alcoholic can't have a bottle around I can't have Girl Guide cookies in the house.  No big deal!  Who needs that shit anyway???

SO what's the plan moving forward?

Right now I'm just watching what I put in my mouth.  I try to have a shake for breakfast, a healthy lunch and lots of veg with dinner.  This week is hard.  The kids are on spring break.  I struggle with "treats" when they are home.  That's ok.  It's just one week.  If I gain a pound this week it will come off next week.

Spring is here.  I realize I'm walking faster on my walks and look forward to moving my body.  My feet problems are still there but stretching helps and it doesn't keep me from doing things (I just suffer a bit afterwards!).  As happens every Spring the girls and I are looking forward to biking … and I plan to get a new one that is more upright so my back and neck can handle it better.

It's all about those little changes.  Moving more, eating less meat, enjoying clean food.  I'm getting there.

Will I be at 140 pounds in 14 weeks.  Nope.  Am I ok with that.  Yup.  It's all good.

I'm off to have a mandarin - yummy new bag from Costco - then my morning walk.

Hope you're well Girlfriend - TTYS  xo


Thursday, February 16, 2017

Ya Baby!

Heidi Ho Girlfriend!

Just a quick one - Koda is sitting here with his head on my leg saying "come ON Mom!  Time to walk!"

Just a quick update to let you know I DID IT!!!  I did my 2-day cleanse for … well … two days!  Was it say - fairly!  The last time I tried the 2-day gig I made it until about dinner time on day 2 when I HAD to have two call cucumbers. I was very very ANGRY … this time, no sweat!  I didn't hate the products as much as in the past.  I think I was just damned determined to do it so I sucked it up, dug deep and took it as mind over matter.  I really wasn't all that hungry!  I was SUPER busy those two days and that helped immensely.  It was actually a relief not to have to stop what I was doing to eat!

So …. the numbers are in!

I started the cleanse at 194.8. After the cleanse  was 190.2.  Argh! SOOOO close to cracking the 190 mark!  Oh well, 4.6 for the two days was great.  This morning I was 190.8 so net loss of 4 pounds. I'll keep that off if I can behave this weekend.  Craig is off for 4 days starting tomorrow and I always struggle when my people are around but I'm going to try REALLY hard!  I DO feel so "clean" inside - I don't want screw that up.  Too much work to get there!

Feb 1 I started the onto at 197.6.  Now 190.8.  Down 6.8 pounds in 2 weeks.  I'll take it!

I am SO determined to crack that 190 mark!  It helps that the weather is so nice - walked longer than usual yesterday and will again today.

Super happy and feeling super great.  I must say my foggy brain was GONE during the cleanse and I am now a firm believer in occasional fasting (done right!).

Gunna ride the wave while I can!

Stay tuned … better things to come I'm SURE!

Love you Girlfriend. TTYS!


Monday, February 13, 2017

Found My Groove

Hey Girlfriend!

Been thinking about you this week - thought I'd check in.  I can't believe it's been a month since I posted!

Not tooooo much is different but thought I'd update you.

I seem to have come out of my mini-depression/funk that I've been in.  Maybe it's because January is now over, maybe because I seem to like my reflection a bit more now that I have a new hair-do and less-goth-like hair colour.  Dunno but glad to see the back of it!

I've worked hard the last few weeks to get back on track mentally with the healthy living thing.  I've been THINKING about exercising *lol*.  Seriously!  I wanted to exercise last week by my back was very VERY angry.  I never know if I'm listening to my body or making excuses but thought I wouldn't risk injury so I just stuck to walking Koda. I've been motivated by the girls.  I TRY to enforce "no-electronic-Sunday" so we can all actually interact as a family.  Doesn't always work and the girls know that I will let them play on the Wii if it's an activity game.  Last Sunday they did the Let's Dance game … the whole thing!  They had so much fun they did it again Monday … and Tuesday … and Wednesday we went out and they bought the 2017 version and did THAT!  I asked if I could join in this week.  It's not a hard core workout but I have to start somewhere, right?  Yesterday I did two songs with them.  Got my heart up a little.  It's mostly arm movements, which was fine with me as I need to be careful with my back and feet.  (Fuck I'm not digging this getting old bull shit!).  I COULD have done more but thought I'd just stop at two … and then do three today and so on.  After the dancing I took Doodles out for a walk.  It was such a lovely day and although Craig has already walked him (I had my stamping gig all morning) I realized I WANTED to get out and move.  It felt great physically AND mentally!

Last week I also worked hard to use the Isagenix products for breakfast AND lunch.  Not for a calorie thing but for the detox/cleanse thing.  My goal was to have the 2-shake-day" plan for 5 days in a row, then do a cleanse.  I ended up doing it for 7 days (but kind of "blew it" a bit Tuesday).  It went really well.  I wasn't perfect but I did have 2-shake days, calories were about 1,400 a day and ate 90% clean.  I shifted almost 2 pounds.

This morning I'm up early early early.  Didn't sleep a wink.  Had to take Dad in to get a pacemaker this morning.  Don't know if that was keeping me up or the almost-full-moon.  Craig didn't sleep either.  Dunno.  Regardless, Wanda convinced me today was the PERFET day to do my cleanse as I'm in and out all day today between dropping Dad off, taking the kids to school volunteering AT school, attending assembly to hear Alicia read, picking up Dad, picking up the kids, walking the dog …. and on and on and on.  So …. today is cleanse day.  Naturally every other day of the week I can go until about 10 without eating.  This morning I'm starving *lol*.  Typical!

Weighed myself for a starting point.  194.8.  Pretty happy with that!  I've seriously been able to maintain for months now - just digging a little deeper for the next week to shift 5-10 pounds and keep it off.  Baby steps, baby goals and small lifestyle changes.

I'm feeling pretty good in all ways.  Feeling lighter, sleeping better (barring last night) and generally "lighter" physically and mentally.  Think I've turned a corner and heading on the right path again.

Send a few prayers out for Dad for me.  It's only a 20 minute procedure and I'm not too worried but still … good vibes, love and prayers never hurt, right?

Love you girlfriend - talk soon



Saturday, January 14, 2017

Half Way There!

Hey Girlfriend!

Just a quick one as I'm running out the door in 10 to do some stampin' (woo hoo!)

Just glanced at the calendar and see I wrote (1/2 way to 50).  Fuck.  *lol*

How do I feel about that?  Not so great, gotta tell ya!

I've been going through some sort of mid-life crisis this month.  I imagine part of it is hormones as I limp ever-closer to that wonderful new stage of life called menopause (fuck again,)  More than that, though, I've been REALLY struggling with this "50" number!  I'm truly shocked that it's weighing on me!!!  I have NEVER been a number girl in that regard.  I think having kids so late in life and having the maturity led of a 16 year old has always sheltered me from being in my late 40's mentally.  Well!  This 50 just seems to be sinking in!  If I'm 50 then I MUST be an adult.  I MUST be old enough to be a  wife.  I MUST be old enough / mature enough (?) to be a mother.  A MOTHER!!  Fuck!  I'm responsible to keep two humans alive … and have them grow up not to be assholes!  What????

I'm not even kidding you.  It all of a sudden has hit me that I'm and adult.  And a mother.  It has taken 13+ years but it's finally it me.  And it scares the shit out of me!

So!  How's it going half way to 50?  Thinking I now need therapy *lol*

In the other regard I have to say I'm pretty happy with where I am.  No, I'm nowhere near where I thought I'd be weight wise but I REALLY think this year is more mental than physical.

Case in point.  Yesterday I was surrounded by fresh, warm pastries that my neighbour brought over.  Ya, I decided to have one and ya, I enjoyed it.  No, I didn't beat myself up.  Win!  I DID slide a little more by having an unhealthy dinner of hamburger/Kraft Dinner casserole with the family.  Guilt?  No.  Win!  Did I feel like crap all night?  Sure did.  Gotta keep remembering that BEFORE I eat it.  So today I got up and am starving.  SO didn't want a shake.  ALMOST went to the "oh well - it's the weekend.  Likely eating out tonight with the family, wasn't great yesterday so why waste $4 on a shake for breakfast" mentality.

Bitch slapped myself.

Ate a banana, a hardboiled egg and a protein shake.

How'm I coin half way to 50?

Very well, thank you.  I've got this.

Gott run - TTYS  xo


Thursday, January 5, 2017

It Wasn't That Bad ….

Hey Girlfriend …

Just a quick one to say "Ya know …. my perception really is usually much worse than my reality".  I PERCEIVED I was totally "blowing it" with my eating over the holidays but the reality is that it / I wan't all that bad!

Tuesday I had to put on my jeans.  You know, to actually LEAVE the house.  I was kinda mortified at the thought, assuming I'd have to leave them unzipped and wear a long, frumpy sweater to hide my knickers.  I was pleasantly surprised that I got them done up … and that, after wearing them for an hour, hadn't passed out due to lack of blood flow to any part of my body!  Sure they were snug, but I could go out in public.

Tuesday I got "back on track" and am thrilled at how much better I feel already.  Not bloated or stuffed.

Yesterday the girls and I had our volunteer session at the Humane Society.  Again, not thrilled I needed to be presentable for HOURS but had to wear the jeans.  I was THRILLED that they weren't nearly as binding!  I wore them from 8:00 am until 5:00 pm before throwing on my "comfort wear".

Weighed myself today (just to get an idea of where I am and where I want to be) … 194.8.  Hm.  Not too bad!  Only 2-3 pounds from where I was.  MUCH better than the 198.6 I was just a few days ago.  Just goes to show that most of the gain is water and the tight clothes re due to bloating.

Feeling better and more motivated by the day.  Came VERY close to stumbling a few times yesterday but dug deep, focused on my "why?" and closed the fridge door.

One day at a time ….

Have a great one!  TTYS

xox  Tam