Much Better Now!

Heidi Ho, Girlfriend!

Thought I'd do a quid update since my anger issues seem to have passed *lol*.  I know, I know - I'm kinda intense.  Can't help it - part of my "go hard or go home / all-or-nothing" charm, right?

So the anger last week really seemed to catapult me into action.  I've said before and I'll say it again "I'm all-or-nothing".  The switch is either on or off - no in between with me.  That's just how it has to be.  I've tested the theory before and it just keeps coming back to "I can't just do a little bit".  I'm not kidding when I say food is an addiction for me.  It really is like alcohol to an alcoholic.   I can resist the "naughty" foods … but if I have just a taste the damn breaks and it's a free for all.  I simply can't allow myself the taste or nibble.  Period.  End of.  I'm coming to terms with that … at least for now.  Eating the bad tuff just can't be an option for me … so the switch is off.

"No sugar shall pass these lips".

It's been easy since my mind turned the switch off.

Went out for dinner Saturday night.  Vietnamese food.  Had planned ahead to have a healthy stir fry rather than my usual noodle bowl.  Figured I could resist half the noodles.  I was wrong.  Now I'm fine that I ate everything on my plate - I had eaten ridiculously healthy all day knowing I was going out.  Than in and of itself is a huge success for me.  In the past I would have the "I'm going out tonight and will be "bad" so why be "good" the rest of the day?  Might as well enjoy all day!" … which usually turns into all weekend … and all week … and all month … and all year!  I ate the meal, I thoroughly enjoyed the meal and then it was over.

Funny .. when I was talking to "Betty", let's call her, about my new "I'm done and onto a new "just don't put it in your mouth"" mentality … she said "why would you start on a Thursday??  Why not wait until Monday?  What's a few more days?"

THAT, my friend, is the enabling, negative, "you're going to fail anyway so why even try for two days" type of message that has kept me where I am for so very, very long.

Nope.  It's like when you quit smoking.  When you're done, you're done.  You don't smoke for another few days until Monday.  You just stop.

I've just stopped.

You know what I had for lunch yesterday?  Fried spinach and onions.  Seriously.  Ya know what? It was de-fuckin-licious!  I wished I had more!  You know what else?  The container of boiled spinach was in the fridge right beside the leftover boiled egg noodles.  I love(d?) nothing better than leftover noodles fried in butter and garlic with seasoning salt on top.  Didn't even think to grab it.  Grabbed the spinach … and I think I liked it better.

No shit.

I have also started taking 2 tsp of apple cider vinegar (in 1 cup of water) about half hour before my meal, twice a day.  I've read so much about the benefits thought I'd give it a whirl.  Don't know if it's just my new attitude, the nice weather or the ACV but this morning I had a TONNE of energy!  Haven't felt this good in donkey's years!

Know what else?  Friday I did 5 squats.  Just 5.  Saturday I did 10.  Today I did 10.  Tomorrow I'll do what I can.

Fired up the Fitbit.

Walked 6,000 Saturday …8,800 so far today.

Doing what I can and will continue to get mentally and physically stronger every day.

This is my new normal.

I know I'm not suppose to be on electronics now but wanted to share.

The "Embrace" movie screening was awesome.  I was surprised I didn't cry.  Then I wasn't surprised I didn't cry.  I think I "got it" 2 days before I saw the movie.

I love my body.  I am more than my body.  I am healthy and I am fine just the way (and size) I am.  Yes, I am healthy … but I'm not always honouring my body as I should … so I'm going to from now on.  A lovely result of that SHOULD be that some weight comes off.  But if it doesn't, I'm ok with that.  Truly I am.

I'm going to lead by example to my girls.  I'm going to love myself and my body and not concern myself with what others may think or say about it.  I THINK it has taken me this past year … or these past 49 years … to truly believe that people love me for who I am and they don't JUDGE me for gaining 60 pounds.  Oh sure there ARE those people in the world who DO look at people and judge them for their size, shape, colour, religion, piercings, sexual orientation …. but none of MY friends are those people … so who the fuck cares?  Just this past week it has occurred to me that THAT is the problem with my self image - THE FEAR OF JUDGEMENT!  The fear of running into someone I haven't seen in a year and having them go hoe and say to their spouse "Hey!  I ran into Tam today.  Wow, I can't believe how much weight she's gained!"  I have to let that go!  I think I HAVE let that go now that I recognize the source of my stress over my weight.  The judgement of others.  How silly.  How sad.  Without sounding conceited I KNOW I'm awesome!  I KNOW I'm kind, caring, empathetic, strong, supportive, generous, polite (well … aside from loving to swear and occasionally be fairly inappropriate!) … oh, and funny.  I'm funny.

I have a beautiful back … and a smile that makes my husband weak in the knees.

I love my friends, my kids, my dog, my fingers … yes, I love my fingers.  (OK - now I'm getting a little choked up here!)

I am soooo much more than my size.

I think, with 50 a mere 8.5 weeks away I may have reached the finish line.  I may be up 6 pounds from when I started this blog … and this journey … but I think it's purpose has been fulfilled.  I may have 6 more pounds of fat on my body but I honestly feel like I've lost 60 pounds of weight … and stress … and grief.

I feel lighter.

I feel happier.

I feel at peace with myself.

I'll check in again.  Might be in 2 days .. might be in 8 weeks … might be in a year.  Doesn't really matter now does it?  I think I'll go for a bike ride now … even if it's Just For Today.

Love You Girlfriend.  Thanks for listening.  It's been very, VERY therapeutic.

xoxo  Tam