I'm mad as hell and I'm not gunna take it anymore!

Fuck!

Seriously!

I am mad as a wet hornet today!

I'm fed up!

I'm pissed off!

I'm DONE!

Why haven't I been posting lately?  Because I've sucked!  I've sucked HARD!  I have been a total and utter shit show in the health department lately and although I kept TRYING to get back on track I haven't succeeded.

I've done a LOT of talking to myself.

I've done a LOT of thinking.

I've done a LOT of negative self talk … and my husband has had enough.  I didn't even realize I was doing it … but I was … and he was sick of it.  He got mad.  He never gets mad … and it made me cry. Not because he was mean … because he was lovely.  Because he was mad that I'm so mean to myself. Because he was mad that us women are so ridiculous.  Because I didn't seem to understand that it doesn't matter.  So I cried.  I cried because I was sorry I was saying bad things about myself and that he felt he always had to defend me … defend me to ME!  I cried because I hate the way I look but I'm doing the right things to change it.  I cried because I was tired … and sick of this struggle.  I'm tired of trying … but when I don't try things get even worse.  I try to just eat like a "normal" person … but I don't …

I've been researching more plans.  "Thrive", "Weight Watchers", "Jenny Craig", "Red Box" … and then I bitch slap myself.

Seriously!

ALMOST called Jenny Craig.  Been on that one before and got down to about 155 pounds.  It was easy.

Bitch slap!

WTF is WRONG with me???  WHY do I have to spend $150 a WEEK to eat what they tell me to eat?  Why can't I just use the 20 fucking containers I have in the drawer … fill them with measured quinoa and healthy food and eat THAT??!!

ENOUGH!!!

This morning I looked up what I weighed when I started this blog.  Around 193.  The plan was 50 pounds in 50 weeks, yes?  Ya.  I weighed myself yesterday.  I'm UP 6 pounds!  For fuck SAKE Tamara!  Seriously??  So for 41 weeks you've been on this journey … struggled, tried, fought, slipped, fought back …. and almost a whole year later your not just where you WERE but you're UP in weight!  Oh.  My.  God!!!

I SAY AGAIN - ENOUGH!!!

Mark this date.  This shit stops NOW!  Like the title says - I'm mad as hell and I'm not gunna take it anymore!  Enough with the excuses.  Enough with the half-assed attempts and eating healthy.  Enough of the bullshit.  Enough of lying to myself.  My summer clothes don't fit.  Period.  I have blow out the thighs of TWO pairs of jeans in the last 6 months.  My bra is tight, my arms are fat, my knees hurt and I am DONE!

Starting TODAY it ends.  No more sugar.  No more white flour.  No more shit.  No kidding.

Moving more.  Drinking more water.  Eating more raw food.  Eating less meat.

I am now walking the walk.

I am imagining I have magically been given a 140 pound, fit body.  I am now going to live the lifestyle I need to live to MAINTAIN that 140 pound, fit body.  That means NO MORE SITTING.  That means no sedentary relaxing in the evenings.  Summer is here.  The bike is in the garage.  How many times did I get on it last year?  Zero.  None.  Zilch.  I will now set business hours like a normal human being.  I will NOT check my emails and Facebook in the evenings between 5:00 pm and 9:00 pm.  I will be walking, biking, playing with the dog, enjoying the weather and getting a life!  I will NOT be lie a mole in my cave wen I don't have to be.

My fitbit is charging as we speak.
Just stocked up on fresh fruit, veg, 0% Greek yoghurt, fish, nuts.
I have a friend I am "fitting" with - we are going to do 5 squats tomorrow.  5.  That's all.  But we're gunna do them.  We're going to walk 5,000 steps … and we will go from there.

Done.  DONE!  FUCKING DONE!

Watch this space.  When I get mad things happen … and I'm mad as hell.