Sunday, July 31, 2016

Clean Slate

Hey Girlfriend!

Geez - I seem to be getting the hang of this sleeping in thing!  Almost 9:00 am before I rolled out of bed.  No.  Literally.  I have to get momentum up and I ROLL off the side of the bed.  Picture it.  Kinda funny, I'm sure.  Well, Craig laughs, anyway.  I'm sure from his angle it's hilarious, bare ass, cellulite and all *lol*.

So yesterday we didn't end up going to a movie.  We're going to go, with Rebecca, today.  Yesterday we just putzed round the house.  I went from one thing to another, as I always do … and Craig now calls me "his little Dory" as I ted to forget what I started off doing before moving on lol.

I was really proud of myself for eating during the day.  I started off with yoghurt, blueberries and hemp hearts.  I got busy purging my office area and was hungry but put off eating.  That's always dangerous for me.  If I get hungry I tend to grab the first thing I see … and it's usually crap.  I seem to have some bizarre thought process whereby if I have the slightest pang of hunger I get to et my body weight in chocolate chips!

Repeat after me:  It's ok to be hungry.  It's ok to be hungry.  It's ok to be hungry!

I finally wandered downstairs around 1:00 pm in search of food.  I had nothing prepared.  Fuck.  I heard the chocolate and cherry granola bars in the pantry calling my name.  "Be strong Tam", I said to myself.  "They're not good fuel … and really, they aren't that good anyway!".  And I was strong.

Bahahahah - now I'm sitting here giggling to myself … and the cat is looking at me funny ….

But I digress …

I stopped and THOUGHT what to eat.  I rely didn't have anything quick on hand, other than raw cauliflower and broccoli … and mangy, wrinkle peppers.  I've been TRYING to remember that every meal does NOT have to be a major food experience … sometimes you just need to "fill the hole".  It was 1:00.  Yes, I was hungry, but if I ate too much I wouldn't be hungry for dinner (if we decided to go out).  Normally that wouldn't stop me - I eat dinner whether I'm hungry or not.  Trying to change that pattern.

I walked to the closet, got out my favourite appliance, my Opti-Grill, grabbed two of the mangy peppers and grilled them.  While I was waiting for them to grill I had two fresh garden cucumbers.  It was fucking delicious.  Seriously.  I was SO proud of myself for a) not grabbing the quickest crap on hand b) using two (of the 4) mangy peppers before they get to the "garbage" stage and c) LOVING the FUEL I put in m body.  It was awesome … and I smiled (lol - giggling again).

Now - fast forward to 5:00.  I wasn't originally sure I wanted to but as I started to get hungry again (let's face it, with no protein two peppers and two cucumbers don't rely stick to the ribs for long!) I gave myself permission and off we went.  We went to my favourite restaurant, Halong Bay for Vietnamese food.  I always have their Beef Satay Soup.  It's sooooooooo freaking good!  Craig and I both WANTED a spring or salad roll but we both decided against it as we are always uncomfortable full after eating … so we resisted.

I SO enjoyed my soup.  About half way through the MASSIVE bowl Craig saw I had mainly broth left and suggested I take it home so I could enjoy it again today, with a little chicken and noodles added to it.  I said "I SHOULD, but it's just so good … and Im not stuffed … and it's only broth" and I ate the whole damned thing.

Mistake.  BIG mistake.

We left the restaurant at 6:00 pm.  I was now officially full.  Somehow I kept getting fuller as the night went on.  I was SOOOO uncomfortable!  I had done it again.  I TOTALLY overate.  Sigh.   It was 10:47 pm (no kidding!) before I stopped being ridiculously full.  Seriously.  Craig had offered me a cheezie while we were watching TV.  Rarely one to turn down ANY kind of food I had to decline.  I seriously was that full.

So!  Lesson learned.  He TRIED to help me.  Next time I will listen and I will go there KNOWING I'm only going to eat half.

Am I beating myself up?  Absolutely not!  i had given myself permission to et whatever I wanted and I did so.  Yes, I ate too much.  So what.  I actually was probably still at about 1,800 calories for the day, which is completely reasonable.  You know the best part?  I have a plan for next time AND today is a totally new day - totally clean slate!  Whether we do "well" or not, every morning we get a "do over"!  Even if I had eaten four entire cheesecakes and a pint of ice-cream yesterday - today is a new day.  Start again.  Don't waste a MINUTE worrying about yesterday or how it may or mayn't sabotage our goals.  It's over, it's done, we start again.

Clean Slate.

Love it!

Today we will be going to the movies … so …

Just for Today I Choose to …

  • buy a coffee instead of having popcorn (yes, I love the popcorn but I tend to eat the entire bag … 'cause, you know, paid $10 for it so have to eat every kernel! … and I ALWAYS feel gross from all the grease afterwards anyway!)
  • try to stick to about 1,300 calories for the day
That's the plan - nothing to grandiose - little steps but ones that will get me a wee bit closer to the goal.

I'm off to limp the dog now.  TTYS.  Love you Girlfriend!


Tam

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Permission Given!

Hey Girlfriend,

I'd love the chat but I realize I need to give my other blog, www.tamaraspapertrail.blogpot.com a little love this morning!  I have't posted in almost a week as I have spent my time here instead (there's only so much of me to go around ya know! *lol*)

Yesterday was a great day and I expect today will be much the same.  The kids are both away for the weekend so that adds just another layer of relaxation to my day.  Craig and I are planning on spending the day together going here and there, lunch or dinner, and a movie.  Perfect!

So … Just for Today I Chooses to .

  • give myself permission to eat whatever makes me happy
    • having said that I'm still going to THINK and CHOOSE what I feel like and I'm not going to eat every last bite if I'm full
Anyone else ever do that?  Gotta eat everything on your plate whether you want it or not?  "I paid $22 for this and I'm not letting it go to waste" mentality?

I do this a LOT.  I don't like spending money on eating out at the best of time.  It's SO expensive … and usually I prefer our cooking more anyway!  So NOT eating it all kills me!  I also seem to feel "I eat out so rarely I need to eat everything on my plate" … as well as "there is too little left to get packaged up and take home.  Paid for - Might as well eat it".

It's pretty messed up, isn't it?  So I'm going to think … and listed to my body.  If I'm hungry I'll eat it.  If I'm not I won't.

If we go to a movie I probably WILL have popcorn.  We have the passes that include the popcorn and drinks.  Can't waste it, right??  I rarely drink pop but … well, why would I have a water when the pop is worth more?  Gotta get the biggest bang for my buck, no?

Hmmmm.  How about this … instead of the "I get to have movie theatre popcorn so rarely I HAVE to have some" mentality and the "it's included in the ticket price so have to have it" mentality … 

Just for today I choose to …
  • NOT use the coupons - pay full price for the tickets and have a decaf coffee instead … and pack some Boom Chicka Pop popcorn to take with me?
(LOVE that popcorn.  *Might* be slightly addicted to it!)

Then again … I MIGHT just have the movie there popcorn.  If I do I will thoroughly enjoy it and not feel guilty for it afterwards.

Bottom line is it's all about choices.  I'm pretty sure I know which way I'll go.  I'll report back tomorrow!

Have a guilt free day - even if it's Just for Today.

Love you Girlfriend!


Tam

Friday, July 29, 2016

Let's Weigh In ...

Hey Girlfriend!

Happy Friday!  Friday - that means I started tis blog one week ago.  Wow.  And "they" said it would never last *lol*

Dunno if I'm get deep and philosophical today or not … guess we'll see where my rambling takes us today!

I just want to reflect on the last week, what I've learned and how I've done.

To be honest I'm surprised at how much smarter I feel!  Everything just seems to be crystal clear and make sense to me.  Of course next week I could be right back where I was a month ago … but I don't think so.  I THINK this time is different.  I THINK my approach of Just For Today will continue to work for me.

Little bite size commitments.  Commitments that I can easily focus on and can succeed in fulfilling.  That seems to be the key.  SUCCEEDING!  Every day I can - and WILL - succeed!  I'm not tackling some giant mountain that, say, after one week, when I haven't reached the top of it, I lose momentum, see how far I have to go, how much work it will be and throw in the towel.  I'm not setting myself up to fail.  I'm setting myself up to have 365 successes in one year!  By succeeding 365 times I will also have succeeded 52 times, as I chip away at the weeks until I'm 50.  The goal isn't too big but the reward is just as satisfying.  Seven times in the last 7 days I succeeded.  1 week down, 49 to go.  I'm on my way! It was easy.  I have no reason to think next week will be any different … and on it will go.

Every day I succeed I will be reinforcing all the positive messages I need to reinforce to change that tape in my head.  I AM strong enough.  I AM capable of improving.  I AM enough.

So.  How have I DONE??  Have I lost any weight.

Who.

The.

Fuck.

Cares.

Who cares???  In the grand scheme of life does it really matter?  Looking at the state of the world these days - politics, wars, crimes, poverty, climate change, endangered animals …. does what the scale says when I step on it matter one little bit?  Really?  No.

Do I CARE if I've lost weight?  No.

Am I CURIOUS if I lost weight?  A little.

Am I going to weigh myself to find out?  Nope.

Just for Today I Choose not to weigh myself.

What will weighing myself accomplish?  What does the number MEAN?  Sweet fuck all.  It is an irrelevant number.

Let's say the scale has the same number on it that it had last Friday morning.  What would that mean?  Would it mean I hadn't lost weight?  No.  It would not mean that.  I don't KNOW what it would mean. Maybe I lost FAT but gained MUSCLE.  Anyone who has spent 5 minutes on any diet in their life knows muscles weighs more than fat.  So the number on the scale means nothing.  Maybe I lost fat AND muscle … but maybe my taco spice has me retaining water from all the salt.  Maybe I haven't pooped the same amount this morning as I did last Friday morning.  Maybe I have more bellybutton lint today.  Maybe my hair is longer and weighs more.  Maybe maybe maybe.

Irrelevant.

So.  How have I DONE??  Am I healthier?  YES!  I have made GOOD food choices this week.  My bod will thank me for that!  I'm DEFINITELY mentally healthier!  I haven't been this "clear" since my 20's, I swear!  I'm ABSOLUTELLY 100% HAPPIER! … and more grateful for everything I have and am able to do.  Yes, my feet hurt.  Waaaaa.  And?  Again - in the grand scheme of things if that is my biggest complaint I'm one lucky bitch.  Seriously.  So damned lucky.

How have I done?  You tell me.

Just for Today I Choose …

  • not to weigh myself
  • to smile … all day … for no apparent reason
  • revel in my awesomeness
  • have sex with my husband (and no - I won't be reporting back tomorrow on how successful that one went LMAO!)
Can you tell tho journey has me happy and excited?  GOOD!  Join me!  Do what you need to do.  Dip your toe in that pool.  Set a little bitty goal … and knock it out of the park! … even if it's Just for Today,

Love you Girlfriend xoxox



Tam


Thursday, July 28, 2016

I am perfect just the way I am

Hey Girlfriend!

Sorry I'm late!  I considered making today's commitment "Just for Today I Choose not to post" … but, I picked another one instead "Just for Today I Choose to take care of myself" so, while I sit here with my fancy new K-Days massager on my calf i decided to post :)

So today I had a very dear and beautiful friend come over for coffee … I think this post I'll "talk" to her …

Hey Girlfriend!

What a great way to start my day, spending time with you!  As I said I wish we had recorder our 1.5 hour chat - that would have given me at LEAST 15 posts for our friends to read!

I'm THRILLED if I have inspired you in any small way.  I know some of the things I said resonated with you … and some of things YOU said resonated with ME … and some of the things I said really got me thinking … so ya, I have a lot of things yet to work through and post her.  YOU have inspired ME.  Women supporting and inspiring women.  Does it get any better than that??

So let's recap, shall we?

I'm NOT on a journey of weight loss.  I know you know that … I just want to make sure everyone reading this knows that.  It goes a million layers deeper than that.  It really does boil down to a journey of self-acceptance!  Looking in the mirror and knowing to my CORE that I am good enough, pretty enough, strong enough, fat/thin enough, funny enough, organized enough, kind enough, smart enough.  I am all of those things.  I deserve those things.  I am grateful for those things.  THIS is what I have to know every single day, without question.  I think I'm there!  I have finally said "enough of this bull shit, I'm DONE!"  I'm done questioning everything I do, eat, say, feel … always feeling I should be doing more … or better.

We are enough.

We are fine just the way we are.

I love you.  Are you listening?  I love you.  Just.  The Way.  You Are.  I love your heart.  I love your laugh.  I love how you glow when you are asking to me.

Self doubt.  It's ridiculous.  How do we get so messed up?  How - WHY - do we continue to buy into the belief that we AREN'T good enough - we AREN'T strong enough, smart enough, fat/thin enough … blah blah blah.  Our insecurities set in and we're screwed.  It is SO much easier to believe the bad stuff than the good.  But it's bull shit.  According to WHOM, exactly are we not "x"-enough?  It's all in our head!

We need to change the tape in our head.  I think I'm there!  Repeat after me:  I am perfectly fine the way I am.

THIS is the tape that I've been playing the last few weeks and you know what?  I can't remember being this happy in a very, VERY long time!  Even Rebecca agreed this morning I have been a LOT more patient with them (and myself) lately - I'm not snipping or flying off the handle NEARLY as much as I was.  I'm just happy.  I've accepted that I am right where I need to be in every aspect.  I have arrived!  I've changed the tape.

I'm not dieting - I'm making better choices.  Why?  Not because I want to LOSE weight but because Im perfect the way I am and I don't want to GAIN weight.  I've "stopped the bleeding".  In my head I have learned to love myself as I am - this shape, this size.  I believe it so much that I want to STAY this way.  In order to do that I need to make healthier choices.  I suppose, if I continue to make these good choices I will, in fact, lose weight, but that's not the GOAL.  The GOAL is to stay as I am.  TOTALLY different mindset.  With this mindset there is no deadline, no guilt, no penalty, no self loathing.  It's what I wanted - to be healthy and happy!  I had all my blood work done and the doctor said all my numbers were fantastic!  Cholesterol was particularly good.  Blood pressure and all that - great!  So I am healthy.  Great!  Done!  Now all I have to do is maintain it.  And I will.

I really could go on for hours but I seriously need - oops - no .. I CHOOSE to get some chores done around here (that laundry aint gunna do itself and seriously, I CHOOSE to wear underwear so laundry is at the top of my "I choose" list *lol*)

It's late in the day so my choices were already determined a few hours ago.  Here they are ...

Just for Today I Choose to …

  • prepare some healthy snacks to have on hand for tomorrow
  • continue to make healthy choices today
  • take time to take care of myself and my feet
  • be grateful for the people who love me 
Gratitude.  It really is an amazing side effect of happiness … and one of the main feelings I have had this week.  

I'm grateful for you, Girlfriend.  I'm grateful our paths have crossed.  I'm grateful you're in my life.  I'm grateful I inspire you.  I'm grateful you let me call you my friend.  I love you.

Right - virtual hug … now go …. be awesome :)



Tam

PS - for those wondering about how I did at KDays … Rocked it!  Drank 2 litres of water, packed snacks, bought a YUMMY donair (didn't eat the pita), had 3 french fries.  No donuts.  Didn't want one (or 18!)

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

WTH Do I Choose Today??

Morning Girlfriend!

Ya know - I gotta say.  I've only been blogging for, what 6 days, but it feels a heck of a lot longer!  I'm already scared I'm going to run out of things to say … but Wanda assures me THAT won't happen.  (Hmmmm - I'm sure she meant that in a good way, right?? *lol*)

I'll start off this post by saying yesterday was an EPIC WIN on the whole "choice" thing.  I seriously surprised myself on that one!

It was a loooooong day.  You would think I went on a 20 km hike the way my body ached after a full day of nuthin.  Seriously!  It had me questioning if I was 49 or 94!  5 HOURS and 177.7 km of driving yesterday running the kids to 3 different dentist appointments on opposite ends of town.  I don't know which body part was more pissed at me - my back, my ass or my knees!  Now!  I'm not saying this to be a big whiny pants - I'm actually turning it into a positive.  It's just one more sign that I need to keep doing what I'm doing to be a healthier, better version of myself moving forward.  I'm WAY too young to feel this old.  Truth be told I've only been feeling like this for the last few months.  Hmmmmm - coincidence that it's been the last 2-3 months that I've put on another 10 pounds?  Me thinks not!  So - THANK YOU UNIVERSE for sending me all the aches and pains lately.  I get the message!  (Now if you could please stop it I'd appreciate it!)

Annnnnnnyyyyyy howwwwwwwww - back to my original ramble - I spent from 9:50 am until 3:00 pm in the car or in a dentist office.  As "being gone all day" was on the radar (see yesterday's post) I MADE THE CHOICE to plan ahead!  Nailed it!

I had 2 eggs and 1/2 c of egg whites for breakfast (good shot of protein to fill me up) and half a litre of water.  Took another half litre of water with me … along with a banana (gag), an orange pepper (yum) and some left over chicken breast in calorie free dressing (weird but yummy!).  I wasn't even TEMPTED to have one of Rebecca's McDonald's fries and I was so proud of myself :)

The key really was to be prepared!  Again - EPIC WIN!  It just makes sense!  HAVE healthy snacks in the fridge ready to grab instead of the crackers or chips when you are STARVING but don't have time to make something.  Grabbing a cut up pepper is a quick as grabbing a high calorie, sugar laden granola bar!  Be prepared!  I was REALLY glad that the other night I cooked up extra chicken breast to have on hand when I was grabbing things with 5 minutes to spare before we had to leave!  I certainly didn't have time to start COOKING a chicken breast.  I had it, threw it in a baggie and off I went!  On a Sunday I like to cook up a pot of quinoa so I can quickly grab 1/2 cup and throw it in my salad … or have with my eggs.  Its SUCH a good carb - and good protein!  Just be prepared.

**  Warning - tangent ahead …

I NEVER thought I would be "one of those banana toting freaks".  Yes - we've all seen them - and I've always considered them abnormal!  Who throws a beat up banana in their purse to eat at the airport??  Or at the mall?  Or at a bus stop?  Freaks!  … or so I always thought.   I guess I'm one of them now :(  Yesterday I officially PACKED a banana.  Sigh.  But in my defence, I didn't throw it "unprotected" in my purse - I draw the line at that!  If I so much as SEE a bruise on my banana I gag!  Tupperware banana case is the only way I'll even consider having a banana leave the house on my person!

**  We now return you to your originally scheduled ramble ...

So yes, yesterday was a challenge - but I conquered it by being prepared.

Today may be an even bigger challenge.

I'm taking the girls to K-Days.  I seriously don't know what to "choose - Just for Today".  Do I give myself permission to "completely enjoy" - it's only one day - eat what you want?  Or do I choose to only pack healthy snacks because "once I have one mini donut 17 more are sure to follow"?  Or do I choose some happy medium - permission to eat 3 mini donuts but take a protein bar and almonds as well.  I just don't know.  I'm leaning toward the last one … but really … I'm not sure how it's going to play out.  My defences will be down.  The ids will be eating junk, the smells will be everywhere and I'll be hungry.

But now I'm questioning ... are the mini donuts REALLY that good?  Do I really WANT them?  Never REALLY questioned that before.  It's always been more of a "We're at KDays and we ALWAYS have mini donut at KDays" kind of a thing.  It's tradition!

Maybe I'll choose NOT to have them this year.  Maybe I'll choose to have a corn on the cob instead … yes, dripping in butter but surely a cob of corn is healthier than sugar donuts …. hmmmm I'm seriously going to have to think about that one …

So!  Nothing too earth shattering or inspirational for you today - just lots of thinking out loud, really (but tune in soon as I've been drafting a "comparing yourself to others" post for a few days now … just need to find 2 hours to type it!).    But let's do this so I can get showered and get on with the fun …

Just for Today I Choose To …

  • Drink 1 litre of water before leaving the house
  • Take a protein bar with me
  • Take my Brita filter water bottle with me
  • Take some peppers with me
  • THINK about what I put in your mouth before I do so.  
    • Do I really WANT that?
    • If I DO choose to eat something "less than healthy" I will know that it was a conscious decision TO eat it and I will not feel guilty about it - in fact I won't give it a second thought
    • If I DO choose to eat it I will STOP and consciously eat (i.e. stop and savour the flavours!) and truly ENJOY it - not just mindlessly popping things in my mouth while walking and talking.
  • Not count every calorie but try to make reasonable choices
Did any of that make sense?  Reading it back the whole post comes off very disjointed and hard to follow … maybe I just need another coffee ….

Anyway - not gunna lie - today scares me you guys!  Wish me luck!  I'll check in tomorrow to let you know how it went!

xoxox


Tam

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Be Prepared!

Hey Girlfriend!

Sorry - no time to chat today.  The girls have dentist appointments at opposite ends of the city today so I'll be driving from 9:50 am until 2:00 pm.  Sigh.  Oh well - watcha gunna do, right?

Yesterday was a success, all things considered.  I didn't get all my water in, due to being out of the house from noon until 8:00 - but that's ok - got most of it in.  Also controlled my eating and had that hot dog and small piece of cake.  I was really proud of myself for choosing not to overeat :)

So for today, given that I will be out of the house most of the day …

Just for today I choose to …

  • Be prepared!
    • Have a high protein breakfast before I go
    • Pack healthy snacks so I don't get over-hungry by lunch time
  • "Go with the flow", enjoy the time in the car with the girls and just keep smiling!
That's it - gotta go walk Koda and get this day started.

Enjoy this beautiful day!


Tam

Monday, July 25, 2016

What's YOUR Word?

Hey Girlfriend!

Ready for a new week of awesomeness?  Seven days of "clean sheets of paper"?  New beginnings, new challenges, fresh starts?  I am!  It's amazing the influence your first thoughts of the day have on the rest of your day, isn't it?  I had (yet ANOTHER) lousy sleep last night.  Between the gerbils, the cat, Alicia, my bladder and a sore back I only had a few solid hours of sleep.  The rest was very broken.  So what ELSE does a girl do at 3:42 am when she can't sleep but ponder what she's going to blog about in a few hours??!!

I was reflecting on just how HAPPY I have felt since I took your advice to "do it!" and start this blog (that's right, Sara - Im talkin' to YOU *lol*).  I was wondering "why"?  WHY was I feeling so happy? What is it about baring myself completely and openly to the blogging world that would change my whole energy - my whole outlook - my whole attitude so completely??  Why is choosing this path so empowering for me?

  • Is it that I get to be the centre of attention for a few minutes in somebody's day while they read all about ME?
  • Is it the validation I crave … or NEED to feel I'm on the right path?
  • Is it that I get to be "one of the gals" who is doing what everyone else seems to be doing by "choosing healthy"
  • Is it that I get to avoid cleaning or other mundane chores by sitting behind a computer and hiding from my "real" responsibilities?
Maybe it's a little bit of all of that.  Or how about …

  • Is it that for an hour or so a day it GETS to be all about ME as I put ME first, for a change
  • Is it that I feel worthy enough to DESERVE that hour a day
  • Is it that I know by doing this I am tiptoeing towards a better, healthier, stronger, happier me?
Maybe it's a little bit of all those things too.

Then it really hit me.  What is so empowering about choosing to do this?  THE CHOOSING.  The choosing.  I'm not doing this because I "should".  I'm not doing this because I "have to.  I'm doing this because I WANT to.  I'm CHOOSING it.  For whatever reason, it's a choice - and THAT My Friend changes everything.

A few days ago, when Craig offered me that chicken wing.  I thought about it.  I CHOSE to eat it.

Saturday, when the kids went swimming.  I thought about it.  I CHOSE to swim too.

Last night I realized I hadn't done my Pilates DVD.  I CHOSE to do it at 7:30 pm.

It's the CHOOSING that makes me happy.  It's the CHOOSING that empowers me.  I'M the one in control.  ME!

Tonight I'm going to a BBQ.  I will CHOOSE what I want to eat.  Maybe I'll have a chicken wrap before I go so I can CHOOSE to forego the hotdog but CHOOSE to have a little piece of cake.  Maybe I'll CHOOSE to have a salad.  Maybe I'll CHOOSE to eat anything I want.  Dunno yet.  The point is I will consciously choose.  And that will empower me and I will not have "eaters remorse" afterwards BECAUSE I chose.

My Facebook friends know that every January I ask "What is your word for the year?"  What ONE word is the word you would chose to channel your thoughts and actions throughout the year?  Think about it!  The first year I tried this I came up with the word "Enjoy" and, to date, that was my most "successful" word of the year.  That one word really was the focus in everything I did that year.  I would consciously think about ENJOYING whatever I was doing.  I would ENJOY the girls, I would ENJOY my work, I would ENJOY whatever I was doing when I was doing it.  It reminded me to "stop and smell the roses", to "live in the moment" and "be present" in all that I did.  It was a great year.  To tell you truth I can't remember what my word is this year.  What does that tell you?  Well - let's "do-over", shall we?  From today on my word for the year is CHOOSE.  I will live on purpose.  I will CHOOSE consciously and I will start each day on purposes.  Posting here every day will definitely help me keep that in the foreground of my mind and will help me start each day on the right foot and in the right frame of mind.

So!  What shall I CHOOSE to do "Just for Today"?  Well, first of all I'm going to alter the "Just for Today" to "Just for Today I CHOOSE"!  Hmmmmm …

This blog isn't just about a journey to losing a bit of weight, it's about being a better version of myself physically, mentally and spiritually.  So ….

Just for Today I Choose to …

  • disconnect from the internet to spend a few hours connecting with the girls
  • have primarily protein and veg throughout the day so I can choose to have a hotdog tonight and still stay within my 1,200 - 1,500 calorie count
  • feel pretty.  I'm going to wear a pretty top and put on lipstick just to go to the park
Now I'm off to have a protein shake and limp the dog (lol - yes, walking is getting a bit easier - and I'm going a bit further each day - but I still limp near the end)

Thanks for popping by.  Leave me a comment to let me know "What's your word" and then take today to focus ON that word to see how it can change EVERYTHING - even if it's Just for Today.

Love you Girlfriend xoxo


Tam

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Hey Girlfriend!

Hey Girlfriend!

Yes … I've changed my greeting from "Happy *insert day of the week here*" to "Hey Girlfriend".  As I messaged my friend, Sara, yesterday … when I blog it really is like I'm talking to a friend but in typed version.  When I wrote my first two posts of this blog Sara was the friend I was "talking to" and I expect that will continue for a while.  Some days that may change.  Some days I may be "talking" to Wanda … or Heather … or Leighla … or Ann.  Marianne, Helen, Casey or Darlene.  Candice, Rayna, Karen or Lisa.  So many of you love me, support me and inspire me for different reasons and in different ways.  You are often in my head "talking to me" at some time or another.  YOU are who I am talking to.  You, and other women I have never met.  The women I may be able to inspire in some way.  The women who may identify with my life, my hangups or my quirky ways.  YOU are the ones who have convinced me (FINALLY!) that I'm ok just they way I am.  It is YOUR love and support that has shaken me free from the grips of the dieting constraints.  From realizing my value and self worth are NOT determined by the size of my thighs.  From constantly comparing myself to others and feeling unworthy and bad about myself .

"I don't give  DAMN about your size.  I just want you to be healthy and happy"
"I didn't know you when you were a size 8 and I love you just the way you are"
"You inspire me"
"I admire you and often wish I were more like you"
"I love you"

These things you have said really have hit home.  I'm finally hearing you.

These posts are directed at all of you.  So "Hey Girlfirend!" just seems to work :)

People often tell me they enjoy reading my blogs because its like a conversation.  It IS.  I'm just "typing out loud".  Good thing I can type fast!  OK … let's get this conversation started!  (see, this is my favourite kind of conversation - the kind where I (as usual) do all the talking for the first 30 minutes and you can't get a word in edgewise *lol* - if you want to say anything you have to leave a comment at the end!)

"So how did yesterday go?", I hear you cry.  Well … pretty damned good, thank you very much!  Drank my water and got more movement in.  Did I do my dancing with Alicia?  No I did not.  But that's ok!  I was flexible!  I tried something new - I "went with the flow" … and went swimming!

Now anyone who knows me well knows I think I was a cat in a previous life.  I am NOT a fan of water.  I hate taking baths (aside from me not knowing how to relax and do nothing but stare at my naked self for half an hour, the idea of soaking in my own filth KINDA grosses me out!), I HATE getting my face wet (no word of a lie I think I washed my face maybe 10 times before the age of 30!) I'm not a strong swimmer and my bathing suit is too tight (actually all FOUR of my bathings suits are too tight!)  So for me to go swimming is a bit of a big deal.

The girls wanted to go swimming.  I said I would take them.  I then thought "if they are swimming when will I dance with them?"  So I decided I'd go swimming too.  They were shocked *lol*.  I had the BEST time!  The pool was ridiculously dead.  I guess everyone was at K Days!  We stayed for 2 hours.  For at least half of that time I consciously treaded water, did knee kicks, pull ups on the side and/or balanced on a floaty board (that really worked my core!).  It was a great way to get in some movement without putting stress on my feet.  Did I mention my foot problems?  Don't think so.  In a nutshell I have Plantars Facititous (or something like that).  Essentially the fascia in my heels/ankles/feet are super messed up and walking is very painful.  I've managed to get by with insoles in my runners and am doing  few more things to "get better".  Since my walking has gone from an hour and about 5,500 steps each morning has gone down to 15 minutes and 2,000 steps I was thrilled to be able to get more movement into my day.  Added bonus - I got to have fun with the girls, who are not QUITE at the "don't be seen with me in pubic" stage *lol*.

When I wasn't exercising in the pool I was in the hot tub with the strongest water jet I could find pounding on my heel, ankle and/or calf.  It hurt like hell but hopefully it helped loosen things up a little more. Again.  Baby steps, right?

So yesterday was a success.  Oh, and yes, I tracked all my food.  Every bite.  I'm not obsessing over calories - I just need to make sure I keep my eye on the ball.  As I've said, if I'm not actively dieting I'm actively gaining.  By that I mean I very much have to do things consciously or my subconscious takes over.  I will mindlessly nibble, munch and grab food all day long if I'm not careful.  So yes, I had my dinner and then Craig offered me one of his chicken wings.  I thought about it, checked the calorie count (60 calories for one!) and then consciously decided yes, I wanted it and yes, I accounted for it in my food log.  My general calorie target is between 1,200 and 1,500 calories.  At least "Just for this WEEK".  I will reassess accordingly next week.

OK - let's wrap this up …

There are a few changes I want to be fairly permanent (but we'll say Just for This Week so I don't overcommit).  I won't write them down daily but I do expect myself to do them.

  • drink 2.5 litres of water
  • take my vitamins
  • track my food in My Fitness Pal

Just for Today I …

  • will have a protein shake for breakfast
  • will do my Pilates Butt and Thigh DVD.  
  • will look myself in the eyes and smile every time I look in the mirror (try this!  It can be weirdly uncomfortable the first few times but it has an amazing affect on your day!)

I was scrolling through Facebook this morning and came across a video a friend posted from a site called "The Law of Attraction".  They have FB site.  You can check that out here.

I couldn't get a link to post the video … so I took screen shots of it and thought I'd share them with you.












That's it for today.  I'm off to walk the dog.  Believe you are awesome.  Only if it's Just for Today.  Love you Girlfriend xo


Tam

Saturday, July 23, 2016

More Water, Please!

Happy Saturday!

Well!  What a difference a day makes.

WTH is it about "just doing it" that changes your entire mind set?  What is it about CHOOSING that is just so darned EMPOWERING??

Yesterday was no different than any other day, really.  I woke up with a sore back.  I fed the cat.  I walked the dog.  I marvelled at how kids can sleep for 12 hours straight without having to pee.  I made my bed.  I cleaned a cupboard.  Nothing particularly exciting in The World of Tamara.

But one thing WAS different.  My mind set.  Seriously.  Just CHOOSING to be healthy - JUST FOR TODAY - changed my entire aura and resulted in a great, happy day.  I felt like I had lost 10 pounds of mental baggage.

I had a reasonable breakfast.  2 eggs, 1/2 c egg whites in a tsp of butter and a coffee with a little cream.

I had a yummy lunch.  1/2 white kidney beans, 16 grape tomatoes, cucumber, romaine lettuce, 30 g of light feta cheese and 2 Tbsp of light Greek feta dressing (I usually use chick peas but alas I was out!!)

I had a healthy snack - a red pepper and 2 chunks of cauliflower.

I had a light dinner.  1/4 c jasmine rice.  4 oz grilled chicken breast.  1 c roasted broccoli and 1/4 c Butter Chicken sauce.

I had a LIMITED evening snack.  1 nectarine and 2 c Boom Chicka Pop popcorn (that stuff is so freaking yummy - and only 70 calories for 2 cups!)

I drank over 2 litres of water.

I was satisfied, never hungry and conscious that had I not been doing this "just for today" I would have eaten two or THREE times as much as I did at dinner.  I know myself.  It wouldn't have been pretty … and then I would have beat myself up for it.  "Just for Today" had me happy to leave the table not stuffed, but totally satisfied.

Yay me!

Yesterday's "Just for Today" was to drink 2 litres of water.  Nailed it.  It was also to eat 1,200 calories.  Ummmm …. CRUSHED it *lol*

My Fitness Pal says if I eat like that for 5 weeks I'll be under 180 pounds.  Really?  Ok - that would be great! … I guess.  Sure, it would feel great to see a lower number .. but really, I'm SO done with numbers!  I just want my bra to be looser at this stage.  Seriously!  Although Craig LOVES when I gain weight because the "girls" are "everywhere" … I'm not a fan!  My cup runneth over and really, aside from being binding, cutting and uncomfortable, that is NOT a good look!  (sorry Huney - they have to go!)

Speaking of numbers (numbers on the scale, numbers on the tags) do you REALIZE just how ridiculous and arbitrary they are?  I went shopping last week.  Additionelle.  Yup - I finally stepped into that store about a month ago.  Best.  Decision.  Ever!  (* Warning - tangent rambling ahead*)

So last month was Mom's 75th birthday.  We were all going out to Jubultions Theatre.  As usual, a few days before hand I realized I had nothing to wear.  Nothing except my jeans fit … and even then "fit" was a bit of a stretch.  They covered my body - let's leave it at that, shall we??

So I gritted my teeth and told Craig I was going shopping.  Was going to hit my usual, Old Navy, Winners, Mark's.  Then I gave my head a shake and realized going to the same old store would have the same old result.  Depression and anger and self defamation.  I realized I wouldn't find anything that fit me properly, I would come home empty handed and likely stop off at Dairy Queen for a Skor Blizzard trying to convince myself that I didn't care how I looked and that it would be socially acceptable to wear a black garbage bag to dinner.

So I changed my plan.  Again - Dr. Phil and his "How's that working for ya" came into my head.  (Don't know why that always resinates with me.  I seriously haven't watched Dr. Phil in 9 YEARS!)  Anyway - I digress from my digression ….

Rather than doing the same behaviour and expecting different results (isn't that the definition of "crazy"??)  I changed my plan.  I would NOT go to my usual self-esteem-sucking stores.  I would go to Additionelle.  Sigh.  Yes, I would wave the white flag of defeat.  I would enter the store for the fat girls.  

As soon as I made that CHOICE you know what happened?  I was excited!  I was actually looking FORWARD to shopping!

Well!  Let's just say I had he Best.  Time.  Ever.

Seriously.

I had a ball!

I even, at one point, thought "awww - I wish I was bigger so I could fit this top".  ???!!!  Right??  Crazy!  I tried on dress after dress, shirt after shirt … and I was spoiled for choice!  OMG how liberating to have CHOICES of things to buy and not have to settle for things that just cover your bits!  I tried on blouses that looked so good!  They accentuated my curves, they sat where they were SUPPOSED to sit, they flattered my body.  Holy shit balls!  I thought I had died and gone to Heaven!

I bought a dress that I felt so PRETTY in!  Do you know how long it has been since I felt pretty???  Geez.  It was truly life altering Gals.  Life.  Altering.

I left smiling, bags in hand and couldn't wait to go back another day for more shopping.

Oh!  Right!  The point of my tangent!  LOL - I'm so easily distracted by my own stories and excitement …
Right!  Numbers and the ridiculous, arbitrariness (that's a word??  Must be - didn't spell check on me!) of them all.  I went back to Additionelle last week and tried on several tops that were a size 14.  Some of them were a mile too big.  However ONE of the tops I bought was a 2X.  A 2X!!!!!  WTF????  OK - I'll admit I'm not petite but a 2X???!!! I seriously laughed.  I was GLAD it was a 2X because it just drilled the point home, once AGAIN, that all these numbers are complete and utter bull shit.  2X.  Seriously.

SO!  Thank you very much, My Fitness Pal, for saying I'll be down 15 pounds in 5 weeks.  That's great.  Whatever.  It's a number.  I'd prefer if it said "If every day were like today in 5 weeks you'd feel AWESOME - full of energy and with 2% less body fat, making you stronger and healthier!"  I'll take THAT message away instead!

Right - enough rambling for today.  Koda wants his walk so let's wrap this up, shall we?

Yesterday it was quite easy to drink 2 litres of water.  I thought that was a reasonable amount for me to drink to get hydrated.  Alas this morning the bright yellow toilet water tells me it wasn't enough …so …

JUST FOR TODAY I:

  • will drink 2.5 litres of water
  • will take my vitamins (that I haven't taken in about 2 months)
  • will track every morsel that goes in my mouth



  • I will do ONE "Let's Dance 2016" Wii dance with Alicia
My feet still won't let me walk very far, and I do have to be careful not to overdo it but I think I can manage one dance, if it is mainly upper body movements.  I can move my body a little more than usual … Just for Today ;)

Choosing.  SO empowering. 

Chose to have a healthy day My Friends.  Love you!


Tam

Friday, July 22, 2016

50 in 50

Hello!

Welcome to my blog!

I've been toying with starting this for about two weeks now.  Yes - for two weeks it's been on my radar that in 50 weeks I will be 50 years old.

50 in 50.

Every day, for those two weeks, whilst walking Koda (my fluffy Golden Doodle "baby") it just kept playing in my head.  50 in 50.  50 in 50.  50 in 50.

Every day, for those two weeks, whilst walking Koda I also thought about how I NEED to lose about 50 pounds.

Hmmmm.  50 pounds … 50 weeks … 50 years old.

It just seemed obvious to this "always on a diet", "always with a goal", "always trying SOMETHING" gal that I should start a new challenge … to try to lose 50 in 50 BY 50.

That was the thought for two weeks straight.

The big question was HOW?

How.

How.

How.

Every day on our walk I would bash different ideas around.  LOTS of ideas.
  • I'll go back on Jenny Craig
  • I'll look into liposuction!
  • I'll exercise and eat right
  • I'll join the new Orangetheory gym that is opening in my area soon
  • I'll follow the diet plan my nutritionist made for me
  • I'll just eat 1,200 calories, tracking it on My Fitness Pal
  • I'll have a shake for breakfast, a salad for lunch and a sensible dinner
  • … and on and on and on ...
I'd come home from my walk.  I'd look into things.  I'd research.  I'd think.  I'd ponder.  I'd analyze … and after about half an hour of doing so … ever day … I'd bitch slap myself and tell myself to "GET A GRIP"!

I've DONE all those things (well, not the lipo but everything else).  I've done them all and here I am.  50 weeks away from 50 years old.  I've never been this heavy.  I've never felt this horrible.  I've never been this achy!  So in the words of Dr. Phil "How's THAT working for ya?"

Now.  Let's get something straight.  I don't want to lose weight for any reason other than I want to feel better!  Although I have never been this heavy (I weighed myself a few weeks ago and I was 193.4) I have also never been so "ok" with it.  I'm actually quite comfortable in my own skin, as they say - at least mentally.  I'm NOT comfortable in my own skin literally speaking.   I'm quite UNCOMFORTABLE.   My bra is too tight .. and I can feel a serious roll of fat between my belly button and my boobs when I sit down … and I'm always uncomfortably full … so no, I'm not PHYSICALLY comfortable in my own skin.

So!  I want to lose weight to be healthy.  In the two weeks that I have been 49 my body seems to have fallen apart.  Is that because of the excess weight?  Maybe.  Dunno.  Don't care.  Just don't want to feel so "old" at 49!

Again - the question is … HOW?

My "pattern" for years has been start some sort of diet and exercise like crazy.  Ya.  SO done with that. Being an "all or nothing" kind of gal I DO exercise - but I do too much, too hard and I get hurt - and then I have to stop exercising.  WELL!  If I can't exercise what's the point of eating well, right???  All or nothing.  I'm either all in or all out.  I'm either actively losing weight or actively gaining it.

I'm VERY self aware.

I know myself very, VERY well.

I know I love carbs.  I know I hate drinking water.  I know I hate exercise that makes me sweat.  I know if I don't have what I deem a "healthy" breakfast I will not eat healthy all day.  I know my "danger time" for eating is between 3:00 and 5:00 pm.   I know I eat more when Craig is home.  I know I can't be trusted with an open bag of candy in the house.  I know I know a LOT about calories, how our bodies work and process food.  I also know I love food - ALL food - healthy, unhealthy, spicy, salty - ALL FOOD!

I know that I always have great intentions.  I know those great intentions always lead to grand gestures,  BIG goals and massive commitments.  I know diets don't work.  I know I always need to have a plan - I can't just eat "like a normal person".  I also know that I need to be accountable.

So - after many, many, MANY hours of contemplation over what to do I came up with a plan.

What's different this time?  It's almost completely different than how I've done things before.  No big gestures.  No grand statements.  No massive goals.  No unrealistic time lines.  No stupidity.  No beating myself up.  No dieting.

THIS time I have a BIG picture goal.  Healthier in 50 weeks.  Ideally 50 pounds in 50 weeks.  Ideally my Size 8 jeans in 50 weeks.

Of course I need a plan to get there and a way of measuring success … and tweaking things along the way.

So I start with the big time line.  50 weeks.  I break that down into more manageable pieces.  Fifty single weeks.  Then I break each week down further … into daily pieces.

And here we are.

This blog is for other "almost-50s, commit-a-phones and/or diet-a-holics."  Let's UNITE!  Join me as, every day, I commit …. to little itty bitty changes.  To doing what we KNOW we should do … but usually only manage to do for a few hours … or a few days before throwing in the towel.

I will post every day what I am committing to "JUST FOR TODAY".  Just today!  One measly little 24 hour period.  I can do that, right?  Of COURSE I can!  Everyday I will commit to SOMETHING that will inch me a little closer to my goal.  

No more "Why eat healthy today when I'm going out for lunch on Wednesday?".  I can eat healthy "just for today"

No more "I'll never eat another french fry again!".  I can eat no french fries "just for today".  OR I can EAT french fries "just for today"!

No more "I'm going to lose 20 pounds this month".  I can forget about what I weigh "just for today"

The only time limit I will focus heavily on is 24 hours.  Yes, I'll have a 7 day deadline in the background - and the larger, 50 week deadline on the horizon - but the 24 hours will be my main commitment.

So!  JUST FOR TODAY I …. committed to drinking 2 litres of water (already done!) and eating only 1,200 calories.  JUST FOR TODAY!

I hope you follow along with me day by day.  I hope to share some real life pics, revelations, setbacks and successes.  50 weeks from now I WILL be healthier :)

Let's have some every-day pics to start things off, shall we?

This is me in my everyday "uniform".  Shorts (that are feeling tight!), standard black tank top and dangling necklace ...
 Side view - embracing my curves (but wouldn't be sad to see them a little less curvy!)
 Nope - not a stitch of makeup and hair in an "I couldn't be bothered to brush my hair" clip ...
 … and one just for fun.
This is me folks.  Lets get real … even if "Just for Today".



Tam