Kinda miss our chats this week …. but not stressing over not posting. It's a fine line between keeping my mind and focus on my goals and becoming a slave to them and/or obsessing over them so I'm trying to find a good balance on that.
I'm happy to report that I've been MUCH healthier since last week. Oh sure, I've grabbed the odd "Nutter Butter" cookie (HAD to buy a *few* things in the States that we can't get here!) and yes, I took Alicia out for Vietnamese food Tuesday night BUT I was more disciplined than usual. For once I didn't eat everything they gave me. Yes, I should have stopped about 10 bites sooner but I'm making progress … we took our leftovers home. Small success!
I got out for a walk with Koda yesterday too. Haven't "formally" walked him since before holidays and with my foot problems have had to take it easy but yesterday we managed a short-route stroll. My feet are much MUCH better than they were but I still have to be careful not to over-do it so shorter walks, in good shoes, is a must for now.
I'm feeling pretty good about everything this week. Still a *little* stress eating due to Dad still being in the hospital but again, nothing too off-the-charts, which is good. We still aren't sure what's "wrong" with Dad - got some test results yesterday which had the doctor say they couldn't find any reason for his dizziness and heart beat fluctuations. He doesn't think a pacemaker is necessary and suggested Dad get a walker. WTF??????? Seriously? The man's heart beat drops down to 35 beats per minute and a WALKER is going to help with that?? His heart beat freaks out in the middle of the night setting alarms off and having staff running to his aid and everything is FINE? Fuck. SO not impressed! I believe there is one more doctor to weigh in on an action plan. He better have a better grip on things than the first doctor or they're going to have ME to answer to … and although my Mom can hold her own in a den of hungry lions they haven't had to to face ME when I'm riled. Will NOT be pretty, I can promise you THAT!
Oh. My. Apparently I'm a little worked up now *lol*
So. I've been doing a lot of thinking over the last week (when do not, right?)
I've said it before, I'll say it again. I'm quite comfortable with my body these days. I truly, truly am! I know some people believe I'm just saying that … but I'm NOT just saying that. Yes in the past I WOULD say that but deep down I really was just trying to convince myself I was comfortable.
Would I like to be thinner, lighter, smaller? Ya, I guess if I'm being honest I would like to be. If someone said they could wave a magic wand I could be my dream size/shape would my current size/shape be what I picked? No. I'd likely go for the 140 pound size 6 or 8. Why? WHY is that always the goal?? What's WRONG with being a curvy size 14 or 16 with hips and thighs to match the boobs? What's WRONG with being 200 pounds? Waaaaaaayyyyy back THAT was the desired size/shape/weight. Being "bigger" meant you had wealth. You could afford food and luxuries that the lower classes couldn't afford. Bigger was better. Things are different now. NOW bigger means you are weak. You don't have self control. You're lazy. You're unhealthy. THAT'S what's wrong with being "bigger" these days. I'm not fighting what I want to look like or eat, I'm fighting what THEY think I should look like or eat. I'm worrying about what other people, STRANGERS, think about me! Why do I give a flying FUCK what people think about me?? DO I even KNOW what they are thinking? NO! I ASSUME I know! Maybe I'm wrong! Actually, something that was said to me yesterday has be realizing that I'm likely VERY wrong a large majority of the time! I went for a much needed massage to help my feet as well as undo-the pains from *sleeping* in a recliner on holidays, and, as the masseuse was working on my hips she said (totally out of the blue) "so many women would kill to have your body type". ???!!! I almost fell off the table! What? I asked "What body type is that?" She said wide hips, a small waist, balanced boobs …". Oh! Okayyyyy. So here is a complete stranger. Yes, she has noticed my features and processed that info enough to comment on them … but not in a negative way! Was she lying? No. She certainly didn't HAVE to comment. IF she was thinking negative things she could have just thought what she thought and not said a word … but she didn't. Hmmmmm. So. If SHE looks at me and sees positive things could other people be thinking the same thing? Could hundreds of women be looking at me and wishing they had my curves?? Could women larger than me be looking at me and wishing they were as "thin" as I am.
Yes.
A thousand times yes.
I'm fighting (dare I say SOCIETY is fighting) what other people think of them as much, or more, than what we think of ourselves. I have been working very hard at ignoring what other people may or may not think about me. How does that phrase go? "What other people think of me is none of my business"? It's true. I think I'm pretty much there on not concerning myself with others' thoughts. My MAIN struggle lately seems to be with me comparing myself to my YOUNGER me. Now THAT is one that is going to take a bit more time but I'm getting there.
I think I'll stop there for today. I WILL do a post about just that - comparing myself to my younger self … and comparisons in general … but another day. Have a few things I need to get on with today and I have a stamping session with some young stampers in a few hours so …
Just for today I chose …
- to drink my fucking water!!!! Argh! I seriously have had maybe 500 ml a day all week. TODAY I WILL drink 2 litres of water!!
That's all! That's all I'm committing to today. Yes, I'll make mostly healthy food choices (I still have a HUGE bucket of low-calorie, delicious borscht in the fridge!) but water intake is my main goal today. That and continuing to love myself just the way I am … cause size 8 or size 16 … I'm pretty awesome :)
Nice chatting with you, Girlfriend - TTYS! xox
Tam
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